Endless Line

I told him that we're not in a good place and lately I'm finding it hard to truly be happy. That we're too different and our differences in beliefs and opinions are taking their toll on me. That I hate when he says he's wrong or changes his mind about something just so we don't have to argue over it. Not long ago I would've felt kilig to know that a guy changed his mind because of me, but not anymore. Now I know that I can't change anyone. For change to be real, it has to be something they want for themselves, not something they're doing for someone else.

He said okay, and told me he'll pick me up after therapy and we can have lunch. 

Therapy was supposed to be an hour-long session from 11am to 12pm, but I had too many things to say and my therapist was kind enough to be flexible with time. We ended at 12.45pm.

I saw him when I got down to the clinic's lobby. He fell asleep waiting for me. Knowing his penchant for arriving early, he must've been here at 11.30am. I checked my phone - he didn't even send a message saying he was already there or asking me where I was when my session was supposed to be done 45 minutes ago. He just sat there patiently and fell asleep.

He looked handsome, as always. He's been tired from work, business and family stuff lately, but at that moment he didn't even look haggard. He just looked peaceful.

I tapped his shoulder and he slowly opened his eyes. He smiled softly when he saw me, and took the bottle of water he'd bought with him to offer me a drink. 

And suddenly I remembered everything that made me fall in love with him. Everything that is making me stay and try to work things out even during the time when I feel like our relationship is at its lowest. Because even when I'm not at my best, he still wants to make me feel loved.

I kissed his cheek. He looked at me in surprise then grinned. And then we got up and he held out his hand for me to hold. 

"Tara na."

We are still very different. I still don't know how to sort out all my issues and all our issues. And we still have couple's therapy after this. 

But I'm 100% committed to making this work.

He looks into the camera, eyes filled with the same annoyance and frustration creasing his forehead and lacing his voice as he vents about how he just wants them to communicate instead of having her keep it all in and keep him guessing. 

She looks away silently. All her life she's been told that language is her strong suit, and yet at that moment she is at a loss for words. He thinks it's so easy - that any problem can be solved if they talk about it, that any concern can be accepted because they love each other enough. 

Because that is how he is. 

And she feels so goddamn guilty that she doesn't feel the same, and she doesn't know how to tell him all of that. Because she tried, she's trying really, and really really hard but he just doesn't understand because he thinks it should be easy but -

The tears are there before she even knows it. He looks at her from the corner of his eye and for one split second, she can hear his heart breaking. 

He takes her into his arms and places his hand on hers. He is warm and assuring and all the exasperation is gone, just like that. 

"You can take your time. You can take your time if you're not comfortable." He says softly.

And in that moment, she has never felt so loved. 

"Did he cheat?"

"Not this question haha because I'm gonna answer yes."

She feels the blood seething in her veins. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself of the promise she made when she said yes - accept all of him the way he accepted all of her, don't bring up the past, and give him a clean slate. 

She wants to tell him that she chooses to believe he is a good man, no matter what mistakes he made before. That he has learned from his wrongs, and is a better person for it. That she loves him enough to see past all the things they can no longer change, and she trusts him enough to believe that he will never disrespect anyone else's relationship again. 

She thinks that yes, to her he is a cheater all the same. He kept going out with someone who was in a relationship, someone he knew was hiding him from her boyfriend, someone he knew was hitting on him. He could've walked away like she did, but he didn't. He let himself be used in an emotional affair because he wanted it. Everyone makes bad decisions at one point or another, and this is his.

He paid the price in flesh and in cash, and there is no need or sense for her to keep punishing him for it. She reminds herself that she isn't perfect either, so she can't keep on holding this against him. She just tells him that they shouldn't expound on it anymore and quickly digresses to another subject. 

-

 
The first time she imagines a husband, she is twenty three.

She is young and driven and has lofty goals for herself. He’s the goofy guy from her past – the first guy to ever give her a ring – who she hasn’t seen for six years. They bump into each other at that fancy bakery at the mall where he walks up to her while she’s halfway through her rotti and gushes about how beautiful she’s become since they last met. It takes him two tries to get her number because his hands are shaking and he can’t save it right the first time.

He asks her out on a date. She remembers what a fun play boy rich kid he was – that grin on his face when he slipped a ring on her finger, and the shock on hers when she told his girlfriend that she’s sorry they’re having a rough patch and his girlfriend asked her what she is talking about because they are not. She thinks about what a future with him would be like, and sees a miserable marriage where she has to endure a wealthy but exasperating life with a high functioning alcoholic who goes home reeking of whiskey every night while secretly wishing she’d married his twin brother instead.

(After all, Mac was the one who was good at Math.)

She turns him down, just like that.

-

The second time she imagines a husband, she is thirty and throws herself on the guy who tells her that she just needs a good man to show her that she can be happy with someone else.

He loved her – in his own toxic way – for a time. He gave her everything she needed, everything she wanted, everything she craved for. He gave her his dreams: a serious relationship within the quarter, marriage plans within the year, hundreds of thousands from stock trading, a house in the plateaus of the South, children with names like Ace Enexor and BSC Marie. And in exchange she only had to pay the cheap, cheap price of near total submission and access to her body whenever he wanted.

She imagines a life where she is well taken cared of, albeit one subservient to a self righteous husband, who, hey, wants and knows what is best for her after all. Where she soothes his quick temper with meek kisses to his cheek, where she hands him his favourite chocolates after dinner with soft reminders to be patient with people not as smart as he is, where she is the pretty main character that the douchebag villain is inexplicably kind to despite being an asshole to everyone else.

And then he broke her heart and all the rest of her.

-

The third time she imagines a husband, she is 31 and vastly different from her twenty three and thirty year old selves, but she knows she is in love.

He is quiet and kind and patient, with deep brown eyes that speak of stories old as time and ravishing lips that make her shiver over and over and over again. He is the moonlight tide rising lithely into the shore, calm and comforting but strong and self-contained. He is everything she ever wanted and everything else she didn’t even know she wanted.

For once, she imagines a happy life – 

- but she stops herself, because their pasts spill over to the present and the waves keep crashing on the castles she builds with not quite enough sand.

She hopes to God that one day love becomes enough.

-

- 

Ilang beses na akong nasabihan na "Akin ka lang."

Mas masarap pala masabihan na "Sayo lang ako."

Yung kusa sayong binibigay, kesa hinihingi.

The first time he ever kisses her, he kisses her hand. 

He does it like it's the most natural thing in the world, to take the hand he's already holding and kiss her fingers. The kiss is just like him - subtle, silent, sincere. His lips feel like a trickle of water against her skin, and she smiles because it's the first time he's been physically affectionate and she receptive since they started going out. 

She thinks it's exactly in character for him to kiss her hand. The good boy, doing the most gentlemanly thing. 

-

He kisses her shoulder, and it's the first time he makes her feel electric. 

She remembers watching him. How his eyes never met hers, but somehow it felt like he was minding her, waiting for a reaction, to see whether she'd let him or not. How slowly and deliberately he drew his head closer, lower, until he had his lips on the fabric of her striped cotton dress. How deep that breath was that he took in as he let the kiss linger for a moment. 

She remembers being surprised, even as she felt sparks electrifying the air around them. This was a bolder side of him she'd never known. Part of her thought it was good that he was letting himself be more affectionate with her now, while another part wondered what else she would find out about him now that they're really dating. 

When she gets home, she finds herself thinking if she should wear an off-shoulder top next time. 

- 

The first time he kisses her face, it's 11pm at a coffee shop after he's had three beers at TGI Friday's. 

He leans in, eyes heavy-lidded, and kisses her by the ear. It is nothing like the first two times he kissed her. He isn't forceful, but it is raw, it is powerful and it is brazen - almost as though he is making his mark. He's not being mannerly or watching her reaction. He is doing what he feels like and doesn't care who sees it. 

She almost blushes. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at him. 

She just squeezes his hand a little tighter. 

- 

The first time she doesn't let her kiss him, they are at that darkly-lit sports bar spooning while seated on a leather couch. 

He's moved her hair to the side of her neck and is nuzzling the back of her ear. She looks up at him while he's telling her about 'I love you slut' and 'I love you prude' from HIMYM, and his face is so close she can feel the warmth of his breath on her lips. 

"Kiss kita sa car mamaya." He tells her, before kissing her ear once again. She knows him well enough to know that he's not kidding, so she makes a mental note not to get in his car later. 

She can't help but feel like it's all going too fast. A month ago she was thinking about whether to end things with him since it doesn't feel like anything's happening anyway, and he'd just held her hand for the first time two weeks before. She doesn't want to rush things because she's been there and it never goes well. She wants them to pace this - she wants this to work out. 

When he asks her if she can sit with him in the car for a while before they leave, she laughs and tells him "Umuwi ka na."

-

The first time he kisses her lips, it is weird and funny and everything that their relationship is. 

She tells him she won't kiss him that day because 'wala sa timing', but that doesn't stop him from asking her for a peck on his cheek. She tells him she knows he's going to turn his cheek anyway, so she might as well plant one on his lips. 

He grins smugly when she does, then tells her "Isa pa, yung may sabaw."

She bursts out laughing at his description, and even more when he corrects himself and says "Mali, yung may sauce!" between his own laughter. 

"Wala na, nasira na yung mood." She giggles. "May sabaw. Naiisip ko na yung sinigang mix soup ng Mang Inasal."

He laughs at himself as he gives up. 

-

The worst time he kisses her, they are in his car at Greenfields. 

He is so close that she can feel every breath he lets out while he kisses her motionless lips. His mouth feels so warm, his tongue inviting, and her chest feels like bursting into a thousand shooting stars. 

She wants to open her mouth and put her hands on his face and draw him deep into her. She almost hates herself for saying that she won't kiss him until he's met her parents, because all she wants to do is kiss him back and make him know how good he makes her feel. It almost drives her crazy - that he is there and on her and wants this, but she has to wait because she said she would wait and she's the one who wants them not to rush this. 

It's the exact moment she realizes that she is completely in love with this man. She has always been attracted to his mind, and she fell in love with his heart, and now she wants his body. He has given her all of him and she wants to take all of it.

She remembers how he told her that he's happy "...Kase alam ko mahal na mahal mo na ako."

He has no idea how true his words are.

-

She cannot wait to kiss him in two weeks. 

Sometimes she smiles, when she thinks about how on date nights five minutes would not pass without him kissing her hand, or her shoulder, or her ear or her hair, like he can't actually believe that he can do that now. 

-