it's a song

here i swear | forever is just a minute to me


It seems you see the world in black and white, someone told her once. "But the world isn't black and white. Sometimes there are grays."

She thinks about it sometimes. Black is wrong. White is right. Gray is arguable - not wrong, but not right either. Or maybe both wrong and right, at the same time. She wonders sometimes if maybe he's right, that she looks at the world too binarily.

It ends the same way, all the time. No matter how she thinks about it, white is white and black is black. Wrong is wrong and right is right. 

The people who say there's gray - they're the people who know that they're about to do something black but are to cowardly to admit it, or too vain to think they will ever do wrong. 

So they try to justify their actions to themselves by saying there's gray. 

, by
exile

i gave so many signs (so many signs, so many signs)


He used to take pictures of her when she didn't know it. Pictures of her walking, eating, lighting candles at church. 

She was so happy when she first saw those pictures. 

Now she takes stolen pictures of him all the time. 

But he doesn't do that to her anymore.

, by
forgetful

you got that james dean daydream look in your eye





and i got that red lip classic thing that you like

, by
forgetful

i listen to sad songs

 

singing about love
and where it goes wrong

-

He looks into the camera, eyes filled with the same annoyance and frustration creasing his forehead and lacing his voice as he vents about how he just wants them to communicate instead of having her keep it all in and keep him guessing. 

She looks away silently. All her life she's been told that language is her strong suit, and yet at that moment she is at a loss for words. He thinks it's so easy - that any problem can be solved if they talk about it, that any concern can be accepted because they love each other enough. 

Because that is how he is. 

And she feels so goddamn guilty that she doesn't feel the same, and she doesn't know how to tell him all of that. Because she tried, she's trying really, and really really hard but he just doesn't understand because he thinks it should be easy but -

The tears are there before she even knows it. He looks at her from the corner of his eye and for one split second, she can hear his heart breaking. 

He takes her into his arms and places his hand on hers. He is warm and assuring and all the exasperation is gone, just like that. 

"You can take your time. You can take your time if you're not comfortable." He says softly.

And in that moment, she has never felt so loved. 



, by
forgetful

you look happier, you do

 


, by
it's a song

but my darling i am still in love with you

 


, by
forgetful

but i can't be whole until i let all this anger go


a silent strain i've carried long enough

-

"Did he cheat?"

"Not this question haha because I'm gonna answer yes."

She feels the blood seething in her veins. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself of the promise she made when she said yes - accept all of him the way he accepted all of her, don't bring up the past, and give him a clean slate. 

Just let him have this. 

She wants to tell him that she chooses to believe he is a good man, no matter what mistakes he made before. That he has learned from his wrongs, and is a better person for it. That she loves him enough to see past all the things they can no longer change, and she trusts him enough to believe that he will never disrespect anyone else's relationship again. 

She thinks that yes, to her he is a cheater all the same. He kept going out with someone who was in a relationship, someone he knew was hiding him from her boyfriend, someone he knew was hitting on him. He could've walked away like she did, but he didn't. He let himself be used in an emotional affair because he wanted it. Everyone makes bad decisions at one point or another, and this is his.

He paid the price in flesh and in cash, and there is no need or sense for her to keep punishing him for it. She reminds herself that she isn't perfect either, so she can't keep on holding this against him. She just tells him that they shouldn't expound on it anymore and quickly digresses to another subject. 

-

it's taken a lot to forgive youoh it's taken me so longi tried in vain to forget youoh i tried everything


, by
it's a song

see i'm all about them words



over numbers, unencumbered numbered wordshundreds of pages, pages, pages forwardsmore words than i had ever heard and i 
feel so alive

, by
it's a song

i think I’ve seen this film before and i didn’t like the ending


it starts - always - with an inkling
that she tries to fight
silent minutes that pass while she counts
a handful of words, strung together but still broken
restlessness that she smothers with smiles
 
she tries to remember the good memories
the peace in his eyes, the warmth of his arms
laughter trickling roundly like mercury
all the things that she thought were enough
she ends up asking when things changed
and why the cold she runs away from keeps coming back
 
she tries to light her own fires
alone in cafes with bright lights and white tiles
late nights typing away numbers that mean nothing
driving mindlessly through roads dimly lit, wondering
how much time she has until the clock strikes twelve
the lyrics of his favourite artist ringing in her ears
 
“Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
Follow you around” 

, by
forgetful

show you all the red lace underneath this dress

 

The way his lips curl into a smug smile when she's close and begging him to kiss her and he refuses to


, by
it's a song

everybody's looking for something

 
She remembers how he used to ask her if she was okay. 

She'd say "Yeah" most of the time, but sometimes "No."

He'd tell her that he knew it, that he could feel it whenever she wasn't okay.

She used to find it annoying - at times even cringey - that he thought there was some invisible string that tied him to her, that bound them together. Other girls might've found it romantic, but she was not an ordinary girl by any means. 

She never thought the day would come when she would find herself missing randomly being asked if she was okay. 

, by
it's a song

i'm well aware of things that can destroy a man like me


"One of the things I didn't approve of was that you never stopped seeing people. I don't think you've had ample time to fix yourself nang ikaw lang. You haven't had enough time to work on your baggages. Hindi ka nabakante e. Hindi ka pa buo. Hindi mo pinahinga ang sarili mo. You haven't had enough time to reflect on who you are, or who you should be, or who you want to be, without any reference to a guy you're dating."


, by
forgetful

as the world keeps spinning round

 

You hold me right here right now


-


Sometimes she looks at him when he doesn't know it, and she wonders how on earth she got someone so perfect to fall in love with her.


, by
it's a song

say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset babe

 

I would be lying if I say that it didn’t hurt. And like I always told you, marupok lang ako pero di ako sinungaling.

You left without saying good bye. A year and three months after we met. Until the end, you wouldn’t tell me your name, but that’s fine because you did agree to meet me (over overpriced lobster and truffle pasta). I sat across the table from you and stared at you for a long time, so I will never forget your face.

I’m not sure why you didn’t say good bye. I know you’ve been distant for the past few weeks, and I haven’t been as chatty myself because I have someone I need to prioritize now, but I thought that we would always stay friends. That’s the way you said you like your friendships, didn’t you – low maintenance. The kind where even if you don’t see or talk to each other for a long time, when you do you just pick up where you left off.

I’ve thanked you multiple times – through time, gifts, food – but not in words, in the way that’s most important to me. You were there during the darkest times of my life, and you stayed with me even though it pissed you off to no end that I kept on crying over a guy who’s trash anyway. You gave me tough love, always told me to get up and go to work and never babied me the way everyone else did – but somehow you knew whenever I was really hurting, and you would be kind and just tell me that time has a way of healing (I found out later that this was a song lyric). 

For that, for all the funny conversations, for sharing your life and letting yourself be vulnerable around me, for being my person in a way that not everyone can understand, THANK YOU. There is a tinge of hurt over your leaving like this, but I will always remember the good memories, and I hope that you do too. My Whatsapp inbox will never be the same without your name in it.

I remember one of the comic strips you sent me before, when we just started talking. It said that sometimes a person is not the destination, but the journey. I told you that it’s sad, to be the one to ‘fix’ someone and then have that someone go to somebody else. You told me that no, it’s not sad, because sometimes it’s the journey that’s important and not the destination. 
 
I don’t know if we will ever cross paths again – maybe one day, when you’re the rockstar lawyer you always told me you would be, and I would be the bank FVP I always told you I want to be. Maybe you’ll come back, just like the first two times you left. Maybe this is where we part ways for good.

But to me, you will always be my Mayor.

, by
forgetful

ang bagyo ng tadhana ay


dinadala ako sa init ng bisig mo

- 

Ilang beses na akong nasabihan na "Akin ka lang."

Mas masarap pala masabihan na "Sayo lang ako."

Yung kusa sayong binibigay, kesa hinihingi.

, by
forgetful

so kiss me


The first time he ever kisses her, he kisses her hand. 

He does it like it's the most natural thing in the world, to take the hand he's already holding and kiss her fingers. The kiss is just like him - subtle, silent, sincere. His lips feel like a trickle of water against her skin, and she smiles because it's the first time he's been physically affectionate and she receptive since they started going out. 

She thinks it's exactly in character for him to kiss her hand. The good boy, doing the most gentlemanly thing. 

-

He kisses her shoulder, and it's the first time he makes her feel electric. 

She remembers watching him. How his eyes never met hers, but somehow it felt like he was minding her, waiting for a reaction, to see whether she'd let him or not. How slowly and deliberately he drew his head closer, lower, until he had his lips on the fabric of her striped cotton dress. How deep that breath was that he took in as he let the kiss linger for a moment. 

She remembers being surprised, even as she felt sparks electrifying the air around them. This was a bolder side of him she'd never known. Part of her thought it was good that he was letting himself be more affectionate with her now, while another part wondered what else she would find out about him now that they're really dating. 

When she gets home, she finds herself thinking if she should wear an off-shoulder top next time. 

- 

The first time he kisses her face, it's 11pm at a coffee shop after he's had three beers at TGI Friday's. 

He leans in, eyes heavy-lidded, and kisses her by the ear. It is nothing like the first two times he kissed her. He isn't forceful, but it is raw, it is powerful and it is brazen - almost as though he is making his mark. He's not being mannerly or watching her reaction. He is doing what he feels like and doesn't care who sees it. 

She almost blushes. She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at him. 

She just squeezes his hand a little tighter. 

- 

The first time she doesn't let her kiss him, they are at that darkly-lit sports bar spooning while seated on a leather couch. 

He's moved her hair to the side of her neck and is nuzzling the back of her ear. She looks up at him while he's telling her about 'I love you slut' and 'I love you prude' from HIMYM, and his face is so close she can feel the warmth of his breath on her lips. 

"Kiss kita sa car mamaya." He tells her, before kissing her ear once again. She knows him well enough to know that he's not kidding, so she makes a mental note not to get in his car later. 

She can't help but feel like it's all going too fast. A month ago she was thinking about whether to end things with him since it doesn't feel like anything's happening anyway, and he'd just held her hand for the first time two weeks before. She doesn't want to rush things because she's been there and it never goes well. She wants them to pace this - she wants this to work out. 

When he asks her if she can sit with him in the car for a while before they leave, she laughs and tells him "Umuwi ka na."

-

The first time he kisses her lips, it is weird and funny and everything that their relationship is. 

She tells him she won't kiss him that day because 'wala sa timing', but that doesn't stop him from asking her for a peck on his cheek. She tells him she knows he's going to turn his cheek anyway, so she might as well plant one on his lips. 

He grins smugly when she does, then tells her "Isa pa, yung may sabaw."

She bursts out laughing at his description, and even more when he corrects himself and says "Mali, yung may sauce!" between his own laughter. 

"Wala na, nasira na yung mood." She giggles. "May sabaw. Naiisip ko na yung sinigang mix soup ng Mang Inasal."

He laughs at himself as he gives up. 

-

The worst time he kisses her, they are in his car at Greenfields. 

He is so close that she can feel every breath he lets out while he kisses her motionless lips. His mouth feels so warm, his tongue inviting, and her chest feels like bursting into a thousand shooting stars. 

She wants to open her mouth and put her hands on his face and draw him deep into her. She almost hates herself for saying that she won't kiss him until he's met her parents, because all she wants to do is kiss him back and make him know how good he makes her feel. It almost drives her crazy - that he is there and on her and wants this, but she has to wait because she said she would wait and she's the one who wants them not to rush this. 

It's the exact moment she realizes that she is completely in love with this man. She has always been attracted to his mind, and she fell in love with his heart, and now she wants his body. He has given her all of him and she wants to take all of it.

She remembers how he told her that he's happy "...Kase alam ko mahal na mahal mo na ako."

He has no idea how true his words are.

-

She cannot wait to kiss him in two weeks. 

, by
forgetful

out of all the people in the world


Sometimes she smiles, when she thinks about how on date nights five minutes would not pass without him kissing her hand, or her shoulder, or her ear or her hair, like he can't actually believe that he can do that now. 

-

I just can't believe you're mine

, by
forgetful

at basta't nandito ka

 

, by
it's a song

from the top of the pole i watch her go down


He puts his arms around her waist and draws her close.


 "Blowjob moko?" 


She turns away from his lips and laughs.


"Diba sabi ko sayo friends lang, walang landian?"


"Haaay. Nakakasakit ka ng puson."

, by