Digesting a Heartbreak
4 years ago
dear nic,
Never in a million years did you imagine that you would be celebrating your 31st birthday like this. Things are better, but they were really bad before they got here, and even now there are so many times when you feel like at any moment you will go back to the lowest point.
You will never forget him, and you will never forget this. And that's alright. Laugh at it, reflect on it, but don't you ever try to forget everything you went through because it made you a stronger person that any other man in your life has made you stronger.
Do not forget how your family bonded together to pull you through. How your mum cooked a fresh, hot meal for you every day even when you could eat only two spoonfuls of chicken soup. How your dad drove you to work every day. How your sister cried when she saw you crying, and decided that she needs to come home. How Dada sends you messages to try to cheer you up.
Do not forget Lawi and how he has been there for you althroughout, the one person you told everything to and never once judged you. Do not forget Mike, the first shoulder you really cried on to, who made sure you ate, who checks on you all the time. Do not forget Bong and his texts and emails, how patient he was when you were being extra sensitive. Do not forget Kuya Rex and how understanding he was even in the midst of his confusion about what you were going through, how he always told you that you are better than this.
Do not forget Mayor, who kept on pushing you to go back to normal, who kept telling you that time will heal you eventually, who gave you tough love because he knew you could take it. Do not forget RJ, who was always there, who talked to you about emotions and concepts the way only RJ does. Do not forget Jaeger and how he was always there even when you couldn't do the same for him.
Do not forget Pauline, how forgiving she was, how she assured you that everything will be fine.
Do not forget Arman who drives for you anywhere you want him to, who eats ramen with you and watches you eat waffles with cream when you're sad. Do not forget Divi and Rommel and Jem and Ate Alice, who sent you messages out of the blue just because they thought of you. Do not forget Rachel and how she tried to carry burdens that weren't hers because she wanted to help you. Do not forget Jacky, who made sure you ate because that was the only thing she could do.
I know you're trying, and I hope that three years from now you'd be able to look back at this and laugh - genuinely - because you know that things are going to be alright, because you know that things are going to be alright because you will make sure that they are.
You are strong, you are beautiful, you are loved - you have always been.
let go let it all go
just when i thought i was over you
i see your face and it just ain't true
taena ngayon lang ako umiyak ng ganito.
lahat sila inalagaan ako.
ikaw lang nagpaiyak sakin ng ganito.
it's a song
trust and respect is what we do this for
“She also has the tendency to submit herself to the
wishes of others in order to maintain their affection.”
She stares guiltily at the picture he sent her, then at
the tea cups in front of her before motioning at a passing waiter to clear up
the opposite side of the table. When it’s done, she takes a picture of the one
remaining cup and sends it to him.
She doesn’t know why she feels the need to lie. He doesn’t
deserve it, and God knows she doesn’t want him and her to be built on lies.
Because she’s doing something he doesn’t want her to do?
Because he’ll get angry and she doesn’t want him to get
angry?
Because she’s afraid that he’ll get exasperated and leave
again?
(But he came back. The one time he left, he came back.)
She just wishes she could trust him, the way she knows
she should –
- and that she could trust herself.
life according to mayor
Oo, bawal
"Namiss ko tuloy yung pag pumunta sya sa SM..."
"Isa ka pa e."
"Bawal bang mamiss?"
"Oo bawal."
"..."
"Gifted lang siguro ako mag compartmentalize."
"Oo. Parang may part of you na robot. Or maybe very jaded."
"Ako never kong namiss yung ex ko."
"Kahit yung good memories?"
"Pag may naaalala akong ganyan good memories nabibwisit lang ako."
"Don't you even miss the sex?"
"Wasted time."
I will look back at this someday and laugh
i bet i know your drink
Everything you play for
Everything you pray for
let go let it all go
but some things you can't put on paper
Gusto kitang sabihan na kumain ka on time, wag puro fast food, remember to drink your cholesterol meds.
Pero hindi ko kaya. Natatakot ako.
it's a song
they say
they say give it time
give it time and it will fall in line
but i keep wondering how and when and why
give it time and it will fall in line
but i keep wondering how and when and why
let go let it all go
diary ng nag psycotherapy
-
"Did you love him?"
"..."
"It's alright if you don't answer aloud."
-
"But all your goals are still centered on him. You want to stop missing the things the two of you used to do. You want to stop associating him with everything. But what do you want for yourself that's not dependent on him?"
-
"... and I remembered one of our better conversations after we had our falling out. Because for a time, he did try. We talked the whole morning during trading hours as usual, and then he napped, and then in the afternoon he told me that he was going to watch this series and he was thinking what snacks to order, probably burger and fries.
I told him 'Burger na naman. Diba nag burger ka palang kahapon.'
And after an hour he sent me a picture of a bowl of nachos. I told him it looks good and asked where he ordered it. He said he made it himself.
I said it looks restaurant made. He said 'Bola' and something else.
And I told him no, the onion slices are small so I never thought that he was the one who made it.
The onion reference was from a conversation we had. We used to send each other pictures of the food we cooked or were eating, and he always cooked corned beef. On our last trip I told him that I get stressed every time I see his onion slices, because they were so big they looked like he sliced the damned onions into quarters. I said they should be smaller so they caramelize better, but he said he liked his onions crunchy so he slices them big and thick.
So yeah, I told him that I never thought he made the nachos because the onion slices were small.
And he replied that he's sliced his onions smaller ever since I told him about that.
And I cried because I knew it was true, there was no way that he just set all of that up to reference our onion conversation. And I thought, even though we were no longer okay, there was still part of me that he took with him, and he made it part of himself.
And then I cried even more because I remembered how attentive he used to be and I just miss him."
minsan naiisip ko
Aware ka kaya na emotionally manipulative ka, or di mo na naiisip dahil natural lang yan sayo?
May karapatan ba akong magreklamo ngayon given how I tried to emotionally manipulate you before?
let go let it all go
dear duke
and Lawi and Kuya Rex and Mike
I'm sorry. I know you're disappointed in me because I keep saying things that I start doing but don't stick to. Because you've all told me I'm settling and I can do so much better and I don't deserve to be miserable like this. Because I keep dragging this out, I keep beating this dead horse, I keep going back.
One of these days I will be stronger. I will be wiser. I will be the girl you know me to be.
One of these days I will choose myself.
Just not today, I guess.
let go let it all go
im at a payphone trying to call home
all of my change i spent on you
-
"Why didn't u add me?"
-
Kase pinatatagal lang natin to pero alam natin pareho na wala naman nang patutunguhan.
Kase namili ka na. Narinig ko na sayo bago mo pa sabihin sa akin.
Kase aalis ka din naman.
-
Where have the times gone
Baby it's all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two
it's a song
she said boy tell me honestly, was it real or just for show
"Masaya ka ba sa ganyang setup? At this point, either you accept him as he is, but at the same time, you gotta accept the fact na he wont ever meet your needs for reassurance/attention/closeness (walang mali jan, dont listen to people na nag iinvalidate sayo, iba iba tayo ng needs at attachment system, if they can be cool abt it let them be. Pero thats who u are eh)
Or, save yourself some time and energy, and find somebody who can indeed make you happy. Someone na gets ang needs mo at hindi ididismiss."
so desu ne
hindi ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin sayo
Kase alam ko pag ginawa ko to ngayon, ito na talaga. Wala nang balikan.
Kase natatakot ako sa sagot mo.
Kase malapit na talaga akong maubos at kailangan ko na isipin ang sarili ko.
Sana hindi nalang natin pinatagal pa.
i feel safe when you hug me
tryna find you but i just don't know
Tell me now, tell me now,
Tell me where you go when you feel afraid, when you feel afraid
Tell me where you go when you feel afraid, when you feel afraid
apo
DITO, APO 02.08.21
APO Update: We
got APO at the lowest price that day, P0.90, but Father and I are bad intraday
traders. :)) We did not end up selling because we set TP at P1.10 and it did
not reach that. It went up to P1.05 and then untog. Weak close at P0.90. Father
said we should hold and see the next Monday.
Well it was
even worse, the high was the P0.95 open and then it closed at P0.86. It’s just P8K
but still. My first shot at intraday trading was marred by a wrong exit again.
Trading plan:
Hold until
it gets back to P1. I’m just not sure when because its kids UPM, VUL and OV are
all red today.
DITO
Today I also
averaged up for the first time. DITO was actually the first stock I bought 3
weeks ago, at P11.95. It was consolidating then and I thought it would go up
anytime. I did nooot – it went down to like. P10 the next 3 days. :)) l held
and I held because my trading plan for that was to hold until February 21 when
the audit results are released or until March when commercial operations begin.
DITO has
actually been flying for the past few days and today it broke its ATH of P14.74
at open and closed very strong at P16.40. I added 2,600 shares at P15.86 because
J said he bought at P15.66 so I thought I’d do a 20 cent difference. Just after
hitting the buy button the price went down to P15.70 and even P15.62 hahaha! Good
thing it closed at P16.40!
I have no
idea if there’s gonna be a pullback tomorrow or if it’s blue skies. The
resistance, they say, is going to be at P17.30.
Trading
plan:
J
switched plans from holding until March to selling when RSI hits 90 because he
says DITO’s stock price historically becomes volatile when its RSI reaches 90.
I think I
might sell my first tranche at 90 RSI and leave the second tranche until December
like Father plans to do. J right now is averse to holding DITO longer than
March because he says new entrants to markets that have been long dominated by
monopolies and duopolies usually aren’t profitable on their first years of
operations and they most of the time just wait to be acquired by market
leaders. I guess we’ll see what the numbers look like by March.
acex
ACEX, APO | 05.02.21
Acex Update: Followed trading plan. ATH of 23 and weak close at 18.50. Following TBGI pattern. Today I will see if it's another red candle or a so-so green candle. Will re-enter at close to 15.
Today I will try to intraday APO. Enter at P0.90, exit at P1.10. This is supposed to fly today so I'm crossing my fingers. :)
acex
Traded my first stock yesterday. :)
ACEX | 04.02.21
ACEX (Ace Enexor Inc.)
Bought on January 21, 2021
Average Price: P16.96
2,900 shares
*Bought this on the day 4 of the 5 stocks I held floored. I watched this stock for about 2 weeks and told J that I wanted it because it had a cute name. Aside from that I actually liked the fact that its price steadily and consistently increased without it being a popular tsupit stock. Was very happy to learn that it was an Ayala company.
J said it was forming a Livermore pattern, and companies with similar patterns were MARC and TBGI. He said buy at P14 because that's the support (Ang tita nyo ay not following instructions).
Market price was P18.50 the morning I bought it. Went down to P17.5 during the day and I thought it was going to bounce quickly so I bought my first tranche. Put a sell order for P16.5 and went to work. Didn't realize in time that prices were falling so I didn't get to cancel my order.
Price went down to as low as P12.5 in the next two weeks. The day before I sold it, it closed at P14.5. I thought I was going to wait months to get out.
Sold on February 04, 2021
Price: P17.60
Gain: about P1,300 net of P500 fees.
(Yung P1.3K hindi mo naman kikitain sa bangko yun sa P50K for 2 weeks. - Arman)
Yesterday there was suddenly news of ACEX firming up plans with PPC in the next 6 months for oil exploration in 2022. Gapped up at P15.5 and went from P17.2 to P16.5 throughout the morning. I wanted to exit that day to free up BP for blue chips or second liners and since I thought that the catalyst was not really anything concrete. Was wary that people would sell in the following days. I also have PTSD from gaps being filled.
Set a sell order for P17.6 when market price was P16.6 just hoping to get out. Went to Starbucks and forgot all about my sell order. Then suddenly saw that the price rose to above P18 EOD. Closed at P19.30.
Trading plan:
Re-enter near support. (because I. LIKE. THE. STOCK.) Do not chase ATH whatever happens. Test theory of another ATH within the next 2 weeks. See if it follows TBGI or BSC pattern.
Current port snap
I will look back at this someday and laugh
Madami akong posts ngayon.
“Tell him yes. Even if you are dying of fear, even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life if you say no.”
at one point i thought this was a thing
o eto bes gusto mo ng weekend post diba
she kissed him and it was everything that he needed to know.
