forgetful

i went to therapy because i wanted to fix my relationship


I told him that we're not in a good place and lately I'm finding it hard to truly be happy. That we're too different and our differences in beliefs and opinions are taking their toll on me. That I hate when he says he's wrong or changes his mind about something just so we don't have to argue over it. Not long ago I would've felt kilig to know that a guy changed his mind because of me, but not anymore. Now I know that I can't change anyone. For change to be real, it has to be something they want for themselves, not something they're doing for someone else.

He said okay, and told me he'll pick me up after therapy and we can have lunch. 

Therapy was supposed to be an hour-long session from 11am to 12pm, but I had too many things to say and my therapist was kind enough to be flexible with time. We ended at 12.45pm.

I saw him when I got down to the clinic's lobby. He fell asleep waiting for me. Knowing his penchant for arriving early, he must've been here at 11.30am. I checked my phone - he didn't even send a message saying he was already there or asking me where I was when my session was supposed to be done 45 minutes ago. He just sat there patiently and fell asleep.

He looked handsome, as always. He's been tired from work, business and family stuff lately, but at that moment he didn't even look haggard. He just looked peaceful.

I tapped his shoulder and he slowly opened his eyes. He smiled softly when he saw me, and took the bottle of water he'd bought with him to offer me a drink. 

And suddenly I remembered everything that made me fall in love with him. Everything that is making me stay and try to work things out even during the time when I feel like our relationship is at its lowest. Because even when I'm not at my best, he still wants to make me feel loved.

I kissed his cheek. He looked at me in surprise then grinned. And then we got up and he held out his hand for me to hold. 

"Tara na."

We are still very different. I still don't know how to sort out all my issues and all our issues. And we still have couple's therapy after this. 

But I'm 100% committed to making this work.

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hoy lawi

san pupunta, tapon basura?

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it's a song

here i swear | forever is just a minute to me


It seems you see the world in black and white, someone told her once. "But the world isn't black and white. Sometimes there are grays."

She thinks about it sometimes. Black is wrong. White is right. Gray is arguable - not wrong, but not right either. Or maybe both wrong and right, at the same time. She wonders sometimes if maybe he's right, that she looks at the world too binarily.

It ends the same way, all the time. No matter how she thinks about it, white is white and black is black. Wrong is wrong and right is right. 

The people who say there's gray - they're the people who know that they're about to do something black but are to cowardly to admit it, or too vain to think they will ever do wrong. 

So they try to justify their actions to themselves by saying there's gray. 

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i see fire

she is fire and she wants to be loved like fire


She is fire and she wants to be loved like fire

With sparks, with heat, with passion

With flames that burn tall and fiery and red

Fervent fevers that consume

Embers that glow and smoulder

Even her name means ardent


But he is the sea

Spectral dark blue water

Deep and quiet, never screams like fire

He is the Cheshire moon at midnight

Smiling silently over the waves

That softly whisper songs to the shore


I love you, he tells her


But sometimes it all feels too cold


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exile

i gave so many signs (so many signs, so many signs)


He used to take pictures of her when she didn't know it. Pictures of her walking, eating, lighting candles at church. 

She was so happy when she first saw those pictures. 

Now she takes stolen pictures of him all the time. 

But he doesn't do that to her anymore.

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Task List

2023 Task List


1. Learn new piano pieces.

2. Go on a solo hike.

3. Go to a bar and drink.

4. Renew accounts on time.

5. Market at least 1 new account.

6. Ask for 1 week break.

7. Go to therapy again and sort out personal issues.

8. Track budget and expenses.

9. Get and use credit cards efficiently.

10. Write more creative works.


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