Digesting a Heartbreak
6 years ago
Dear future baby,
I don't know if you're here na or not yet. It's not the best time for me to be a mom kase I'm in the middle of my MBA and I'd like to finish it muna sana so I can fully focus on you next year, but if you're here na, I'll be happy too!
You will be so loved. Your dad and I went through a lot before we could be in this place where we are aligned and really a team, and emotionally and financially ready in case you arrive early. Everyone else is waiting for you na actually haha because your lolo and lolas are the only ones among their siblings na wala pang apo!
You might be accidental, but you're not unwanted. We will give you the best life we can provide and all the love and care we can ever give.
P.S. Don't listen to your dad who says he sent himself through school via scholarships and never had to pay tuition so you should do the same. I will pay for you to go to St. Scho like your mom. :))
forgetful
I told him that we're not in a good place and lately I'm finding it hard to truly be happy. That we're too different and our differences in beliefs and opinions are taking their toll on me. That I hate when he says he's wrong or changes his mind about something just so we don't have to argue over it. Not long ago I would've felt kilig to know that a guy changed his mind because of me, but not anymore. Now I know that I can't change anyone. For change to be real, it has to be something they want for themselves, not something they're doing for someone else.
i went to therapy because i wanted to fix my relationship
I told him that we're not in a good place and lately I'm finding it hard to truly be happy. That we're too different and our differences in beliefs and opinions are taking their toll on me. That I hate when he says he's wrong or changes his mind about something just so we don't have to argue over it. Not long ago I would've felt kilig to know that a guy changed his mind because of me, but not anymore. Now I know that I can't change anyone. For change to be real, it has to be something they want for themselves, not something they're doing for someone else.
He said okay, and told me he'll pick me up after therapy and we can have lunch.
Therapy was supposed to be an hour-long session from 11am to 12pm, but I had too many things to say and my therapist was kind enough to be flexible with time. We ended at 12.45pm.
I saw him when I got down to the clinic's lobby. He fell asleep waiting for me. Knowing his penchant for arriving early, he must've been here at 11.30am. I checked my phone - he didn't even send a message saying he was already there or asking me where I was when my session was supposed to be done 45 minutes ago. He just sat there patiently and fell asleep.
He looked handsome, as always. He's been tired from work, business and family stuff lately, but at that moment he didn't even look haggard. He just looked peaceful.
I tapped his shoulder and he slowly opened his eyes. He smiled softly when he saw me, and took the bottle of water he'd bought with him to offer me a drink.
And suddenly I remembered everything that made me fall in love with him. Everything that is making me stay and try to work things out even during the time when I feel like our relationship is at its lowest. Because even when I'm not at my best, he still wants to make me feel loved.
I kissed his cheek. He looked at me in surprise then grinned. And then we got up and he held out his hand for me to hold.
"Tara na."
We are still very different. I still don't know how to sort out all my issues and all our issues. And we still have couple's therapy after this.
But I'm 100% committed to making this work.
it's a song
It seems you see the world in black and white, someone told her once. "But the world isn't black and white. Sometimes there are grays."
here i swear | forever is just a minute to me
She thinks about it sometimes. Black is wrong. White is right. Gray is arguable - not wrong, but not right either. Or maybe both wrong and right, at the same time. She wonders sometimes if maybe he's right, that she looks at the world too binarily.
It ends the same way, all the time. No matter how she thinks about it, white is white and black is black. Wrong is wrong and right is right.
The people who say there's gray - they're the people who know that they're about to do something black but are to cowardly to admit it, or too vain to think they will ever do wrong.
So they try to justify their actions to themselves by saying there's gray.
i see fire
she is fire and she wants to be loved like fire
She is fire and she wants to be loved like fire
With sparks, with heat, with passion
With flames that burn tall and fiery and red
Fervent fevers that consume
Embers that glow and smoulder
Even her name means ardent
But he is the sea
Spectral dark blue water
Deep and quiet, never screams like fire
He is the Cheshire moon at midnight
Smiling silently over the waves
That softly whisper songs to the shore
I love you, he tells her
But sometimes it all feels too cold
exile
She was so happy when she first saw those pictures.
Now she takes stolen pictures of him all the time.
i gave so many signs (so many signs, so many signs)
He used to take pictures of her when she didn't know it. Pictures of her walking, eating, lighting candles at church.
She was so happy when she first saw those pictures.
Now she takes stolen pictures of him all the time.
But he doesn't do that to her anymore.
Task List
2023 Task List
1. Learn new piano pieces.
2. Go on a solo hike.
3. Go to a bar and drink.
4. Renew accounts on time.
5. Market at least 1 new account.
6. Ask for 1 week break.
7. Go to therapy again and sort out personal issues.
8. Track budget and expenses.
9. Get and use credit cards efficiently.
10. Write more creative works.
forgetful
you got that james dean daydream look in your eye
and i got that red lip classic thing that you like
forgetful
i listen to sad songs
singing about love
and where it goes wrong
and where it goes wrong
-
He looks into the camera, eyes filled with the same annoyance and frustration creasing his forehead and lacing his voice as he vents about how he just wants them to communicate instead of having her keep it all in and keep him guessing.
She looks away silently. All her life she's been told that language is her strong suit, and yet at that moment she is at a loss for words. He thinks it's so easy - that any problem can be solved if they talk about it, that any concern can be accepted because they love each other enough.
Because that is how he is.
And she feels so goddamn guilty that she doesn't feel the same, and she doesn't know how to tell him all of that. Because she tried, she's trying really, and really really hard but he just doesn't understand because he thinks it should be easy but -
The tears are there before she even knows it. He looks at her from the corner of his eye and for one split second, she can hear his heart breaking.
He takes her into his arms and places his hand on hers. He is warm and assuring and all the exasperation is gone, just like that.
"You can take your time. You can take your time if you're not comfortable." He says softly.
And in that moment, she has never felt so loved.
feeling ko lang
"Happy birthday Jens!"
"Thank you dear. It's been a while, we must catch up again!"
She knows she should leave it there, but she can't help but click on the Jens' page and see. It's the same pictures he used to post years before, of his girlfriend and their children. People who welcomed her into their family, people who for a long time she always thought would be her own family.
People who are now strangers with whom she shares distant memories.
Jackie is beautiful as ever, and busy with the bakery. There's pictures of the kids all over and some of trips abroad. And then... there's one from Danielle, with the man she used to call Love - the one Danielle now calls Babe.
Jackie leaves a joke in the comments, a funny quip about Danielle, and Babe reacts with a laugh. It stings. Of course, Jackie has always been kind, it's no surprise she would welcome Danielle the way she welcomed her into their family years ago. But it's just... different, to see them all happily moved on while she is all alone.
She closes the app.
and time is taking its sweet time erasing you
"Happy birthday Jens!"
"Thank you dear. It's been a while, we must catch up again!"
She knows she should leave it there, but she can't help but click on the Jens' page and see. It's the same pictures he used to post years before, of his girlfriend and their children. People who welcomed her into their family, people who for a long time she always thought would be her own family.
People who are now strangers with whom she shares distant memories.
Jackie is beautiful as ever, and busy with the bakery. There's pictures of the kids all over and some of trips abroad. And then... there's one from Danielle, with the man she used to call Love - the one Danielle now calls Babe.
Jackie leaves a joke in the comments, a funny quip about Danielle, and Babe reacts with a laugh. It stings. Of course, Jackie has always been kind, it's no surprise she would welcome Danielle the way she welcomed her into their family years ago. But it's just... different, to see them all happily moved on while she is all alone.
She closes the app.
supermarket flowers
You write this in your car
Heart pounding like brass drums
Stomach churning and vomit rising up your throat
Three unopened pregnancy tests on the passenger seat
You'd like to think you're just overreacting
The numbers should be on your side after all
Why did you have to search what certain things mean?
It could be a many things
What are the odds that it's exactly the one you don't want?
You think about yourself
How this will change your world, at a time when you want stability
You think about him
How you have no doubts about him, but you are not sure about you two
You think about your mother, your friends
What all of them are going to say
You think about all those strangers who wrote about getting knocked up when they don't want to be
And you almost want to laugh bitterly because God
You almost told them off, only to find yourself here now
You wish with everything you have that you're just overreacting
That things will stay the way they are
The only thing to do now is
Find out
forgetful
"Not this question haha because I'm gonna answer yes."
but i can't be whole until i let all this anger go
a silent strain i've carried long enough
-
"Did he cheat?"
"Not this question haha because I'm gonna answer yes."
She feels the blood seething in her veins. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself of the promise she made when she said yes - accept all of him the way he accepted all of her, don't bring up the past, and give him a clean slate.
Just let him have this.
She wants to tell him that she chooses to believe he is a good man, no matter what mistakes he made before. That he has learned from his wrongs, and is a better person for it. That she loves him enough to see past all the things they can no longer change, and she trusts him enough to believe that he will never disrespect anyone else's relationship again.
She thinks that yes, to her he is a cheater all the same. He kept going out with someone who was in a relationship, someone he knew was hiding him from her boyfriend, someone he knew was hitting on him. He could've walked away like she did, but he didn't. He let himself be used in an emotional affair because he wanted it. Everyone makes bad decisions at one point or another, and this is his.
He paid the price in flesh and in cash, and there is no need or sense for her to keep punishing him for it. She reminds herself that she isn't perfect either, so she can't keep on holding this against him. She just tells him that they shouldn't expound on it anymore and quickly digresses to another subject.
-
it's taken a lot to forgive youoh it's taken me so longi tried in vain to forget youoh i tried everything
it's a song
see i'm all about them words
over numbers, unencumbered numbered wordshundreds of pages, pages, pages forwardsmore words than i had ever heard and i
feel so alive
