Friday, June 4, 2010

Just So You Know

Today is gonna be the day when they’re gonna throw it back to you.

I need a break.

I need a break from a lot of things. I need a break from using ‘she’ when I mean me and using ‘he’ when I mean you. I need a break from having ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘Flavor of Life’ as the only songs in my playlist. I need a break from the emotional turmoil of wanting to bring back something that I can never have again. I need a break from all of this – I need a break from you.

By now you should’ve somehow realized what you gotta do.

And so today I’ve decided that I’m going to use ‘I’ to refer to myself in this entry. And I’m going to have a playlist all made up of happy songs. And I’m going to forget the things that I can’t do anything about anymore.

Today I’ve decided to let it all go. Today I’ve decided to let go.

I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

Three years ago a guy put a ring on my finger and promised me ‘someday’. I knew better than to believe him, so I threw the ring away. Not that long ago you put a smile on my face and promised me ‘forever’. I knew better than to believe you, but for some reason, I thought you were different. So I held on – I am holding on – to your promise.

Backbeat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out

Except that sometimes we think we can do things that we don’t do just because we want to. Me, I’m impatient; I don’t like waiting for things that don’t come fast enough. I’m a proximity person; when you’re no longer beside me, everything we shared fades away. I don’t like vagueness; I want to always be able to know which side of the line I’m on. But because I believed every word you told me that night, I decided that I would be patient, I would put up with the distance and I would bear the haziness of it all.

But now I realize that I can’t do this after all. I can’t hold on to ‘forever’ because it hasn’t even been a year and the pain is already unbearable.

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before but you never really had a doubt

I saw this coming a long, long time ago, but I guess I committed the mistake that everyone high on serotonin does: I chose to dwell in the present and not think about the future. Had I had more sense when this started to become a big deal from me, I would have walked away. But I didn’t, and that’s why I’m in the middle of nowhere right now. I’m hurting in the middle of nowhere right now, holding on to your ‘forever’, which I’m not sure when it’s gonna come or if it’s even gonna come.

I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

I’m trying to hold on because I want to believe in you. But I’ve come past the point where I’m asking myself if your ‘forever’ is really worth holding on to, especially when it’s causing me this much pain. I’ve been told forever before, you know. By a group of people who were supposed to be by my side whatever happens, until the end. But their forever didn’t even last a semester. I’m wondering if yours would be like theirs, and though it pains me to admit it, I think the answer is yes.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding

Maybe we’re just not meant for this. Maybe we’re meant for something else. I can’t go on if this forever means waiting for a promise that you’re not even here to deliver. Maybe it looks okay to you because I try to hide it by being supportive of you and your decisions, but the truth is, it’s not okay for me.

It makes me want to cry every time I laugh and pretend to be alright, it makes me want to cry every time I lay on my bed and feel so hollow inside.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don’t know how

I want to believe in you. But I can’t hold on anymore.

They say that you should never regret anything that made you happy. I don’t regret anything then, because you did make me happy. It’s just that maybe this is not what we need right now.

I’m letting go of forever. I’m letting go of you.

Because maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you’re my wonderwall.
 

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