Ode to Lance

I no longer exactly remember the
circumstances when we first met; must
have been at the restaurant uptown, no? But I
do remember the way you spoke; there was a gentle
warmth in your voice that told me that you were going to
be a good friend. I was not wrong for you were and you remain
to be one to me – but sadly I was not one and don’t think am one to
you right now. We were supposed to have a special bond, one that I
created myself, the one that we called Chinelefers, but I guess I’m
just not good at continuing the things I start. And over the years
the frequent messages dwindled down to often and then
occasional and then rare; yet you never left and were
always there. But anyway this rant is going too
long now and we both can’t afford to lose
more time; Cutting all the crap, I
guess what I’m trying to say is

I’m sorry.

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Ode to Gentleness

Let it steam beneath
Let it lie between grinding teeth
Your even breaths
My slowly fluttering eyes
An explosion of bright lights
Words are tongue and lip-covered
Yet many just fall out, again
Spilled indiscreetly
Whispers spiraling into screams

Lead me to the rush upstream
Glide up and down
In and out
Down below, serpentine
But save a tear for the moon
And for these stained sheets
The nightmares always come later

Every touch is a confession
Waste your last dime
Make a good fire out of the wood
And don this wanton love
By your side
On your shoulder
In your mind
Over your heart

…now close these doors you tore apart.

Ito ang nagagawa ng walang ginagawa. Hindi mo naiintindihan no? Ako din e.

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Ode to Vin

Here’s to all those early mornings
For the betrayals and the deceit
For the favors done and the favors returned
For the superficiality that broke my heart early
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those quiet afternoons
For the words of the wise and the words of the fool
For the trust and the time
For the sincerity that kept demons at bay
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those late nights
For the fears and the doubts and the uncertainties
For the hopes and the dreams
For the gin and the tequila and the Dunhill sticks
For the silent rides and the silent walks home
For the hushed voices and whispered words
For the longing and asking and pleading
That I wanted to but could not answer
Here’s to me and to you.

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Kase sa Totoo Lang

Kase sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako pag nakikita kitang ganyan.

Kase sa totoo lang, gusto din kitang yakapin at sabihin sayo na maaayos din to lahat.

Kase sa totoo lang, kahit alam kong hindi tama, dumating sa point na naisip ko ng gawin para sayo.

Kase sa totoo lang...

Kaya lang ngayon kailangan gawin ko kung ano ang tama.

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Red Days

I've been bleeding unused placentas about once a month for the last six years of my life, more decently called having my menstrual cycle or period. When something happens as regularly as that, I guess the practical thing to do is deal and get used to it, right? After all, females are expected to go through this once every month until they're about fifty.

Not me.

Until now I really haven't settled to feeling comfortable whenever it's the time of the month. I've never really gotten used to feeling so wetly dirty, feeling so heavy, having cramps all the time, checking now and then if my pants have stains, checking for spots of red in my bed sheets, wanting to be in the shower the whole day - I could go on and one for hours but let's not do that. Cutting all the crap, what I'm saying is that I've hated my period since time immemorial.

Sometimes I think that it's one of the reasons why I don't like kids. After all, the only reason why females go through such an ordeal is because it's how we can bear offspring. Right now though, I'm indifferent. Kids or no kids, I just want this period to stop.

I hate red days.

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Hindi Ko Na Matiis

My Agu family is going through trying times right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this way before. So many emotions are swirling around, anxiety looms all over and uncertainty casts dark shadows that the light of truth, faith and kinship can’t seem to drive away yet.

Smack right in the middle of it is the only constant family I have in UP besides Lambda Gamma.

The drama unfolds like it’s some kind of Kapamilya soap opera and the org’s members, including me, are the characters. You have your lead characters not entirely agreeing with each other, your supporting characters doing a lot of talking among themselves of course about the lead characters, and the extras passing by, still blissfully oblivious to everything that’s happening.

Sometimes I wish it were a soap opera indeed. So the director could just scream ‘cut!’ and everything would stop.

And everything would go back to normal again.

Things are going to get better soon, right?

"I will live not for myself alone. Forever in the UP Aguman I will belong."

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WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This turned out to be one of the craziest days I’ve ever had.

1. I’m invited to the orientation of Robby’s frat’s sister sorority.

During the first weeks of this happy-crush turned madness (thanks to my ever so supportive friends), I thought that I’d be ecstatic if I ever found myself invited to be his sis. Well, I figured out that realistically speaking, ‘Sis’ was the closest that I wanted to be with this guy . Now, however, ecstatic is the last word that I’d use to describe what I feel.

2. This man we know as Jerome Caylao never ceases to amaze me.

So a few months back I learned that the guy I used to know as simply ‘the conyo’ is nothing like what I thought him to be. He speaks Kapampangan and pure, unadulterated tagalog most the time, plus lo and behold, he’s also an anime fan! (Just when does a classic conyo guy talk about Bleach’s Aizen Sousuke?) As if that wasn’t enough, today I also learned that he actually loves babysitting his nephews, to the point where he held his nephew Ryan Marco in his arms all the time the newborn was sick.

Now that is definitely not the Kuya Joms I know. ^_^

3. Nathaniel Hawthorn said that happiness was like a butterfly, which flies away farther from you the more you grasp it. Sit still and quietly and it will alight upon you by itself.

I’ve been ‘chasing’ my ‘happiness’ for a good few weeks now, which came in the form of peace of mind since an orgmate and I got into a petty quarrel that led to a cold war. Bothered that I didn’t know where we actually stood, tried to ask him again and again about when we were going to talk again, but to no avail. I finally gave up and decided just to forget all about him and the quarrel. Tonight, however, he sent a message saying he had gone over his childishness and wanted to offer peace to someone. How could I not accept?

I don’t know what your reasons are for the sudden change of mind, but I appreciate the effort, Kuya Bong.

4. I am still nominated for a position in my org’s executive council.

No offense to the electoral board, but this one really pisses me off. I don’t understand why they accepted so many rejection letters of other nominess but they didn’t accept mine. The standing nomination just makes things a lot more complicated.

I’d love to be the Educ head, but at this point in my life, I can’t afford to focus on anything else but my studies. If I take on both my acads and chairpersonship at the same time, one will have to be taken for granted. And it sure as hell can’t be my acads.

If I do win, I don’t want to hear anyone complain about my less than satisfactory performance as a chairperson. They have been warned, I will without second thought sacrifice Aguman for my Acads should I come to the point where I need to.

Waaaaaaaaah! Crazy day!

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