Endless Line

Ode to Kuya Joms

hi nic, is that your tooth?

yup, tinanggal kahapon.

yada yada yada yada

kuya may itatanong sana ako sayo.

go on.

[ Type ‘sino si r’… backspace backspace backspace.]

SILENCE.

[ deep breath. blithe fingers. now or never again.]

kuya sino si ryan?

SILENCE.

haha. captain ng econ volleyball team. bakit?

respect. friendship. trust.

i think i know what you mean… do you want me to explain?

Respect. Friendship. Trust.

[Type ‘um’… backspace backspace .]

RESPECT. FRIENDSHIP. TRUST.

you don’t have to explain anything to me, kuya. ^_^

Ouch!

It began last week with a slight sharp sensation near the end of my jaw. Being the carefree person that I am, I just shrugged it off. There was a perfect explanation for that: I was growing a wisdom tooth. I could see the milky white surface surrounded by pink flesh.

Wisdom teeth always hurt when they first appear, right?

But soon enough it got worse. I knew that there was something wrong with my bite; I could feel that that part of my gums was swollen, and I couldn’t eat properly anymore. The pain was tolerable but I decided to visit my dentist anyway.

She took one look at the oral X-ray results and said that it was bad.

Apparently, my wisdom tooth was too big. It would never grow out properly because it was impacted, no more space left for it to grow on, and it was just going to hurt more and more if it wasn’t removed ASAP.

“Remove my wisdom tooth?” I gasped. How the hell are you going to remove a tooth that hasn’t even come out?

I should have gotten the first clue about how bad it was going to get from my dentist’s answer: Wag mo ng itanong. Ako na ang bahala.

And then hell descended upon poor little me.

A three-inch long needle pricked my mouth four times for the anesthesia delivery, and after a few minutes my dentist got this small little scissor-like thing and began cutting something inside my mouth (later on I learned that she had to cut away all the flesh surrounding my wisdom tooth so it could be exposed.)

Thankfully the anesthesia worked well, although I recognized the metallic taste of blood.

Next was the extraction itself. I didn’t really feel my tooth being pulled out, but after the extraction I knew that I was in trouble when my dentist jabbed a whole ball of cotton on my gum and it came out all red.

She did it three more times, and all of the cotton balls and gauzes came out all red too. In the end I needed four stitches to close the wound.

My dentist said that it was going to hurt when the numbing drug wore off, and I should have believed her. When we got home I started to feel my mouth again, and I also started to feel the pain. It hurt so bad that for the first time in a long, long time, I cried myself to sleep.

Not even Adam Lambert’s slick and suave get-up was enough to take my mind off the pain.

I feel a little better now, although it still hurts a lot. My dentist said it’ll feel like this for a few days. I guess Mefanamic Acid is going to be my new best friend.

On the other hand, I did ask my dentist for my tooth, and I have it at home. A little souvenir of this very painful experience.

You think the tooth fairy will pay me a visit?

Read Between the Lines

She doesn’t like falling for friends, you hear her say once.

She points out that friendship is a price too high for a one in a million shot at the unpredictable gamble called romantic love. If things don’t work out, (which is often the case, she said) the friendship is lost forever and there’s no getting it back.

You nod slowly in slight agreement, thinking that she has a point, but you keep the doors open for other arguments. In the meantime you tell her that love is a subject too broad, no sure answers to any questions.

She just laughs and says that she finds it funny that you are talking about love. What’s funny about that, you ask. Of course you talk about love.

Now lately you notice that you two get together more often. Not necessarily just the two of you, most of the time you’re actually with a crowd, but you do spend more time with each other compared to the past few months. You notice that she’s bubblier than usual, her smiles seem brighter and she seems happier in general. And you see that she’s started writing poems again.

Idly you wonder what’s up; but of course you never ask her. None of your business, you tell yourself. So you just keep quiet and you never mention the things you notice.

Then you read the poems. She never explicitly indicates who they are for and she is never generous with clues (again, you never ask her anything, you don’t even tell her that you’ve actually read her poems) but being the smart person that you are, you think you know what this is about.

She must be in love, right?

‘With who?’ is your next question.
With a classmate in some subject?
With a friend’s friend?
With someone you know?
With… you?

You laugh at yourself for your last thought. You remind yourself that she’s always been clear about where she stands when it comes to falling for friends.

You are her friend, she would not fall for you.

At any rate, you try to be more careful around her, so she doesn’t get the slightest idea about what you’re thinking. You smiles are more reserved, you think twice before you approach her and you cautiously choose the words you use.

You don’t know if it’s just you, but she seems to be more careful around you too these days. Sometimes you swear she hesitates before approaching you… but whenever she starts the conversation, it just flows on and goes on naturally, the way it has always been.

So you dismiss the thought with a shrug and tell yourself to mind your own business.

What you don’t know is that something is really up.
What you don’t know is that she goes out of her way for you now.
What you don’t know is that her full laughter around you means something.
What you don’t know is that she glances at you from lowered lashes whenever you’re not looking.

What you should know is that of course she isn’t perfect. Sometimes she breaks promises.

Even those that she makes to herself.

Ode to Lance

Ode to Gentleness

Let it steam beneath
Let it lie between grinding teeth
Your even breaths
My slowly fluttering eyes
An explosion of bright lights
Words are tongue and lip-covered
Yet many just fall out, again
Spilled indiscreetly
Whispers spiraling into screams

Lead me to the rush upstream
Glide up and down
In and out
Down below, serpentine
But save a tear for the moon
And for these stained sheets
The nightmares always come later

Every touch is a confession
Waste your last dime
Make a good fire out of the wood
And don this wanton love
By your side
On your shoulder
In your mind
Over your heart

…now close these doors you tore apart.

Ito ang nagagawa ng walang ginagawa. Hindi mo naiintindihan no? Ako din e.

Ode to Vin

Here’s to all those early mornings
For the betrayals and the deceit
For the favors done and the favors returned
For the superficiality that broke my heart early
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those quiet afternoons
For the words of the wise and the words of the fool
For the trust and the time
For the sincerity that kept demons at bay
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those late nights
For the fears and the doubts and the uncertainties
For the hopes and the dreams
For the gin and the tequila and the Dunhill sticks
For the silent rides and the silent walks home
For the hushed voices and whispered words
For the longing and asking and pleading
That I wanted to but could not answer
Here’s to me and to you.

Kase sa Totoo Lang

Kase sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako pag nakikita kitang ganyan.

Kase sa totoo lang, gusto din kitang yakapin at sabihin sayo na maaayos din to lahat.

Kase sa totoo lang, kahit alam kong hindi tama, dumating sa point na naisip ko ng gawin para sayo.

Kase sa totoo lang...

Kaya lang ngayon kailangan gawin ko kung ano ang tama.

Red Days

I've been bleeding unused placentas about once a month for the last six years of my life, more decently called having my menstrual cycle or period. When something happens as regularly as that, I guess the practical thing to do is deal and get used to it, right? After all, females are expected to go through this once every month until they're about fifty.

Not me.

Until now I really haven't settled to feeling comfortable whenever it's the time of the month. I've never really gotten used to feeling so wetly dirty, feeling so heavy, having cramps all the time, checking now and then if my pants have stains, checking for spots of red in my bed sheets, wanting to be in the shower the whole day - I could go on and one for hours but let's not do that. Cutting all the crap, what I'm saying is that I've hated my period since time immemorial.

Sometimes I think that it's one of the reasons why I don't like kids. After all, the only reason why females go through such an ordeal is because it's how we can bear offspring. Right now though, I'm indifferent. Kids or no kids, I just want this period to stop.

I hate red days.

Hindi Ko Na Matiis

My Agu family is going through trying times right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this way before. So many emotions are swirling around, anxiety looms all over and uncertainty casts dark shadows that the light of truth, faith and kinship can’t seem to drive away yet.

Smack right in the middle of it is the only constant family I have in UP besides Lambda Gamma.

The drama unfolds like it’s some kind of Kapamilya soap opera and the org’s members, including me, are the characters. You have your lead characters not entirely agreeing with each other, your supporting characters doing a lot of talking among themselves of course about the lead characters, and the extras passing by, still blissfully oblivious to everything that’s happening.

Sometimes I wish it were a soap opera indeed. So the director could just scream ‘cut!’ and everything would stop.

And everything would go back to normal again.

Things are going to get better soon, right?

"I will live not for myself alone. Forever in the UP Aguman I will belong."

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This turned out to be one of the craziest days I’ve ever had.

1. I’m invited to the orientation of Robby’s frat’s sister sorority.

During the first weeks of this happy-crush turned madness (thanks to my ever so supportive friends), I thought that I’d be ecstatic if I ever found myself invited to be his sis. Well, I figured out that realistically speaking, ‘Sis’ was the closest that I wanted to be with this guy . Now, however, ecstatic is the last word that I’d use to describe what I feel.

2. This man we know as Jerome Caylao never ceases to amaze me.

So a few months back I learned that the guy I used to know as simply ‘the conyo’ is nothing like what I thought him to be. He speaks Kapampangan and pure, unadulterated tagalog most the time, plus lo and behold, he’s also an anime fan! (Just when does a classic conyo guy talk about Bleach’s Aizen Sousuke?) As if that wasn’t enough, today I also learned that he actually loves babysitting his nephews, to the point where he held his nephew Ryan Marco in his arms all the time the newborn was sick.

Now that is definitely not the Kuya Joms I know. ^_^

3. Nathaniel Hawthorn said that happiness was like a butterfly, which flies away farther from you the more you grasp it. Sit still and quietly and it will alight upon you by itself.

I’ve been ‘chasing’ my ‘happiness’ for a good few weeks now, which came in the form of peace of mind since an orgmate and I got into a petty quarrel that led to a cold war. Bothered that I didn’t know where we actually stood, tried to ask him again and again about when we were going to talk again, but to no avail. I finally gave up and decided just to forget all about him and the quarrel. Tonight, however, he sent a message saying he had gone over his childishness and wanted to offer peace to someone. How could I not accept?

I don’t know what your reasons are for the sudden change of mind, but I appreciate the effort, Kuya Bong.

4. I am still nominated for a position in my org’s executive council.

No offense to the electoral board, but this one really pisses me off. I don’t understand why they accepted so many rejection letters of other nominess but they didn’t accept mine. The standing nomination just makes things a lot more complicated.

I’d love to be the Educ head, but at this point in my life, I can’t afford to focus on anything else but my studies. If I take on both my acads and chairpersonship at the same time, one will have to be taken for granted. And it sure as hell can’t be my acads.

If I do win, I don’t want to hear anyone complain about my less than satisfactory performance as a chairperson. They have been warned, I will without second thought sacrifice Aguman for my Acads should I come to the point where I need to.

Waaaaaaaaah! Crazy day!