She doesn’t like falling for friends, you hear her say once.
She points out that friendship is a price too high for a one in a million shot at the unpredictable gamble called romantic love. If things don’t work out, (which is often the case, she said) the friendship is lost forever and there’s no getting it back.
You nod slowly in slight agreement, thinking that she has a point, but you keep the doors open for other arguments. In the meantime you tell her that love is a subject too broad, no sure answers to any questions.
She just laughs and says that she finds it funny that you are talking about love. What’s funny about that, you ask. Of course you talk about love.
Now lately you notice that you two get together more often. Not necessarily just the two of you, most of the time you’re actually with a crowd, but you do spend more time with each other compared to the past few months. You notice that she’s bubblier than usual, her smiles seem brighter and she seems happier in general. And you see that she’s started writing poems again.
Idly you wonder what’s up; but of course you never ask her. None of your business, you tell yourself. So you just keep quiet and you never mention the things you notice.
Then you read the poems. She never explicitly indicates who they are for and she is never generous with clues (again, you never ask her anything, you don’t even tell her that you’ve actually read her poems) but being the smart person that you are, you think you know what this is about.
She must be in love, right?
‘With who?’ is your next question.
With a classmate in some subject?
With a friend’s friend?
With someone you know?
You laugh at yourself for your last thought. You remind yourself that she’s always been clear about where she stands when it comes to falling for friends.
You are her friend, she would not fall for you.
At any rate, you try to be more careful around her, so she doesn’t get the slightest idea about what you’re thinking. You smiles are more reserved, you think twice before you approach her and you cautiously choose the words you use.
You don’t know if it’s just you, but she seems to be more careful around you too these days. Sometimes you swear she hesitates before approaching you… but whenever she starts the conversation, it just flows on and goes on naturally, the way it has always been.
So you dismiss the thought with a shrug and tell yourself to mind your own business.
What you don’t know is that something is really up.
What you don’t know is that she goes out of her way for you now.
What you don’t know is that her full laughter around you means something.
What you don’t know is that she glances at you from lowered lashes whenever you’re not looking.
What you should know is that of course she isn’t perfect. Sometimes she breaks promises.
Even those that she makes to herself.
To my Grandma who I’ve only met once
1 year ago