Endless Line

Oh yes.

Gurl tell me about it. His version of ‘That’s All’ has been the only song I’ve listened to since Monday, and every time it gets to that line where he drawls ‘Taking it all instead of taking one bite’, I have to either swallow or bite my lip or the inside of my cheeks or something because I literally get chills up my spine and some other places that I deign to mention here.

He’s like Rob Thomas but even smexier, and I don’t even like guys with guitars!

It’s sad though that what he has going on is this ‘I be chilling’ thing and so every time his performances need him to show vulnerability (case in point, Somebody I Used to Know), he just ends up clutching his chest and doing this inward cringe thing with his shoulders, which just… well, so sorry that I have to grimace.

But Phillip Phillips, please do send me a ticket to California so I can throw myself on you already.

And Migs makes four

Miguel Tirona is an interesting person, to say the least. Was an Atenean in high school and a Maroon in college; acts like both. Highlights articles in Time Magazine and talks about Yasunari Kawabata with reverence, but follows suit when she babbles about MMA or Dota. Talks about inches and thrusts and penetrations in his free time, but on sexually-charged scenes of a slightly-more-graphic-than expected movie that he manages to make them watch, merely shakes his head and remarks “That’s so unnecessary.”

The news that he handed in his resignation a day before their credit training slash reunion is unexpected but not surprising. After all, Tirona never seemed like the kind of person who could be contained – guy follows his gut more than he does his head. (She would say ‘follows his heart’ but that would be too soppy.)

She jokes to him about it, quips how Dom adequately put it. “Si Migs naman parang may ADHD.” Quit BAA for BA, quit law school for Unilever, quit Unilever for BDO, and now quitting BDO for God knows what.

He just grins. And says “You gotta chase your happiness.”

He says it the way Miguel Tirona usually does, offhand and somewhat cocky, but she does not need to hear conviction to know that he means what he says. She envies him for this courage, wonders when she would find her own. She tells him that honestly, she doesn’t even know what she’s doing in banking, for all her hatred of Math.

Migs laughs, and she realizes that while she isn’t exactly grieving about his going, there is a part of her that will be sad because a friend is leaving. She is happy for him though, because she knows he will be a step closer to whatever he really wants to be.

And in the end, she just wishes that he finds his happiness. And that someday, she finds hers too.

He dreams in color

Originally ‘To the LAE Passer’ but I’m feeling pensive tonight.

***

Around this time one year ago, I distinctly remember your emo face as we sat at the shed in front of Molave waiting for Buduy, and you were lamenting how you were the only member of our beloved little team who would be left behind in UP.

***

Sometimes I think you might have been my younger brother in one of our past lives, given how strongly I feel about looking after you.

Bencio said that I scared the hell out of him that fateful Execoun meeting when he dissed you and I was fuming as I answered back to defend you (and Denzie). I have no qualms about giving you my Healing Salve (partly because you actually thank me for it, unlike the others who even have to ask how they were healed when there was no Regen). Most of all, they’re ridiculous - the prayers I find myself uttering to God when I and la-la-la share the same bus ride home.

We must have been brother-sister in some past life. That, or I am so grateful for your stint as my Pusoy Tutor #3.

***

There was one time when you told me that you weren’t sure why you took PolSci. You would have been better off taking a course related to computers, you said. (And given your crazy passwords with the random letters, numbers and characters, you might have been right.) Because you like tinkering with stuff and fixing problems. And then you said something emo and I rolled my eyes.

I wonder now if you still feel the same thing about your course.

***

Sometime before December you texted me and said the LAE schedule had been moved. I told you to make the most out of the Christmas vacation and study the reviewer you borrowed from me. You said bahala na pag di ka pumasa, magtatrabaho ka nalang sa Coke. I told you that you are one of those lucky bastards, like Kenn and my friend Pau. You’re just born lucky. No matter how hard you screw up, everything turns out alright for you. (Not that that you don’t deserve it.)

Who knows. Maybe you did study. Or maybe LAE is just what it is – Law Aptitude Exam. Either you have that aptitude or you don’t, and you have it.

All I know is that you didn’t even take a bath when you took LAE, but you passed it anyway.

***

You saw it coming. On the ride to Moonleaf one week ago, you were telling me about the things that scared you about going to law school. I don’t remember what I replied. The only thing I remember is that for the nth time, I told you to quit smoking.

This is what I hope I replied: You’re a bit lazy at acads and a bit of a coward for running away to Baguio during THAT Sining, but you’re smart and you think differently (at least at Dota). And you’re a genuine person who never gets tired of helping other people. That’s bound to get you somewhere.

***

I just hope that wherever this gets you to, you’ll stay the same. I hope you’ll still be that guy who grabs my hand and disturbedly says “Will you stop doing that” when I make a gun-cleaning motion, who remembers my birthday even if I forget yours, who takes my straw and sticks it into my milk tea for me because apparently I always spill liquids.

I hope to God though, that you stop peeing in your pants and hitting your head on dashboards when you’re drunk. And yet again, that you stop smoking for the sake of those squiggly little things in your… no I’m not gonna put the whole description here.

***

Around this time one year ago, I distinctly remember your emo face as we sat at the shed in front of Molave waiting for Buduy and you were lamenting how you were the only member of our beloved little team who would be left behind in UP. I used to think that after this April, you’d finally join us out. You hate being left behind. I know.

I guess you’re gonna have to stay there for a bit longer, eh?

I just want to see you fight for this. :(

I don’t know. It’s like, I just want to see this team fight to keep the championship as hard as they fought to take it a year ago.

Every time I watch one of their games during last season’s playoffs, especially the games from the finals, I get shivers up my spine. Because I feel just how damned much they all wanted it. This season it’s like, I don’t know, everything just falls flat. And I hate it because I love this team.

Maybe it’s because they don’t have JJ anymore, or maybe they burned out after finally getting their goal, or maybe their being veterans is taking its toll. Whatever the reason is, I just don’t want to be looking for a new favourite team anytime soon.

Here’s to hoping that the rest of this season gets better for the Mavs.

Ode to Anj

On the ride home yesterday, the radio station was tuned into played Panic at the Disco's But It's Better If You Do, and I remembered that time when we were freshmen and were on our way back to Kalai. We were singing this song like crazy and Mi and Jangkarl were laughing at us all the time.

I had to smile – I do every time I remember those days when we were bound by more an organization. Those days when we spent time with each other not because we had to but because we wanted to. When we laughed together not for the sake of being called united but because we were genuinely having fun with each other. When we cried together not because people turn to anyone available whenever they're sad but because we really wanted to be there for each other..

Those days when the word 'Baskal' meant true friendship.

We were probably the most fleeting of all the batches that Aguman ever had, being complete only during that one semester when we applied and being broken for the rest. I've tired of thinking what made this happen. Along the way I think I've just accepted that this is what  we become: a bunch of 'hi's and komusta na?' at chance meetings and rare appearances at org events.

Nowadays I only get to hear about you through Boss' stories. You smoke and drink like crazy now, he says. I don't have your number, and I didn't know why I didn't ask Boss for it. Maybe because I don't know what to tell you if I text you. I know you only by name now, and most likely you share the same sentiment.

But that doesn't mean I've forgotten you, or the memories you shared with me. In my bookshelf at home, there is a special place for the Slam Dunk Manga that you gave to me on my birthday when you learned that I was a Kaede Rukawa fangirl. Our fridge never runs out of Graham crackers and quickmelt cheese, a yummy snack that you and Mi taught me how to make, which until now I never fail to enjoy. And I can still remember the distinct way you laugh. :)

I am no longer a part of your life and you are no longer in mine, and that six letter word that used to bind us together now sounds so far away. But I hope that if you remember me at all, you remember me fondly, as I remember you. For no matter how far we have drifted apart, we were once there for each other, and that's all that matters.

On second thought, maybe this should have been Ode to Baskal II. 

Someday you are going to regret this.

Someday you are going to regret this.

Because you think you know what is and what isn't.

You think you’re chasing your dreams. By dreams you mean the things that you don’t necessarily want (yet) but which you suppose are good for you. Because until now, you’re not much different from that freshman four years ago who wrote in her first column for Aslag that she is undefined – she doesn’t know what she wants so for the mean time she’ll go for the things that the people around her seem to want for her (or for themselves).

So you start chasing. And you keep on chasing. And you vow to yourself that no matter how many times you fuck up, you won’t stop until you reach those dreams.

But they're always windmills, aren't they? Can't they be something else for once?

Someday, you are going to regret this, and you know it. You can feel it in your bones. You are going to regret this more than how much you already regret watching that documentary on Komodo dragons instead of reviewing for your BPI test (stop crying) or destroying your friendship with John Carl over being Agu Secretary (stop cringing) or saying no to Mac because you know that brotherhood means more than the same blood running in two men’s veins (stop, just stop).

And you know that one day, when perhaps you’ve reached those precious dreams you can’t stop chasing, you might end up in a flat somewhere in Makati or Montreal or Moscow (Oh for Christ’s sake) after all. You might have your name on the OR/CR of an A4 Quattro or an SLR McLaren or a Gallardo after all. You might have the title SAVP after all.

The only thing certain is that you are going to remember what a wise man told you four years ago.

“Are you sure you don’t know what you want or inside you already know it but it’s just not the popular choice? :)”

Someday, you are going to regret this, and you know it.

But for now, go on and chase your windmills.

I feel like dancing on top of a pool table or something.

***
 How I feel right now totally sucks. You know what it's like when you really really really want to do something and technically you can but at the back of your mind you know you should not because you've got waaay more important things to do, like, uh, I don't know, study for your revalida next week so you get to keep your job?

This is what I get from too much Maroon5, Daniel Radcliffe starrers and – gasp! I myself can't believe it either - demented British vampire-werewolf hybrid villains who insist on bringing the coffins of dead family members everywhere. (It's the dimples, really. Or the stubble. Or whatever makes Adam Levine, Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Morgan collectively awesome.)

So yeah, I swear that next week, I will be reviving an old friend who's gonna take on a new identity and tag along a partner from the alcohol bar. She's gonna do all sorts of things that she never tried before, including something that has the numerals 1-15 and the word 'complete', and maybe even something that has an M.

And most importantly, this time she's not going to think about anyone else but herself, so whatever anyone says or does not say will not matter.

***

There!

So I know I said I'm not gonna be posting DotA stuff for a while, but I just could not contain my happiness over this! (Besides, the match is gonna be DOTA 2 and not DotA so I'm off the hook, hehe!)

I am totally torn about who to cheer for because I like everyone in Na'Vi while I like only vigoss (duh) and PGG (guy's Lina is almost as BALLER as vigoss', I take back what I said in an earlier post about not caring what happens to him) in DTS, but I like vigoss over any other player.

March 18 hurry hurry hurry! :)