Endless Line

Diet Time!

I love my Bro, Aries.

He treated me to lunch today and complimented Dirk Nowitzki’s playing. He even waited for me on our way back to the tamabayan from jogging.

“I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.” I complained, Russell-from-Up style.

He looked at me with his ever present grin. “Tara buhatin kita.”

I love piggyback rides so I excitedly got on his back. I really love my Bro.

He took a few steps forward, then a few steps left, a step right, and then he stopped and got me down.

“Nic, ang bigat mo din pala.”

Thirty minutes later, I couldn’t eat my Tinapay Footlong. :))

Perihelion

So she left her phone on the far end of the table.
On silent mode.
No alarms set.

And she closed her eyes, daring to sleep for as long as she would not awake.
Why should she wait for your message?
She clearly won’t be having dinner with you tonight.

Or any other night from now on.

Minsan kase nakakapagod ding itanong kung ano ba talaga ang ginagawa natin, bakit ba tayo ganito at hanggang kailan ba natin to gagawin.

Minsan kase nakakapagod ding isipin kung ayos na ba talaga ako sa ganito o ikaw lang talaga ang masaya na dito.

Minsan kase nakakapagod ding maghintay, lalo na pag pakiramdam mo naghihintay ka sa wala.

Minsan kase nakakapagod ding pigilan ang sarili ko na sabihin sayong kung wala rin namang patutunguhan lahat ng ginagawa natin, itigil nalang natin to.

Minsan kase nakakapagod ding maging sayo, lalo na dahil ikaw hindi ka naman sakin.

If I care for you once, I will always care for you. ^_^

“Siguro kailangan din nating magkape minsan. Namimiss ko nang namemention sa blog mo.”

Kevin Penalba. Hayaan mo na yung kape. Andito ka na ulit. ^_^

I might have to wait,
I'll never give up
I guess It's half timing
And the other half's luck.

- Haven't Met You Yet, Michael Buble.

Maybe you should take his advice. ^_^

Maybe I should have taken your hand.

“Let’s go.”

He took the first step.

“I’m scared.”

She stayed behind.

“I’m here.”

He held out his hand to take hers.

“No.”

She did not give him her hand.

She gave him her heart instead.


I wanna Avenetto. ^_^

It must be my lucky day. ^_^

I saw Solis today. ^_^

Janine, Xonja and I met up for dinner earlier this evening, and near the end of our meal my friends expressed their craving for carrot walnut cake. I tagged along to Chocokiss, ordered a Dayap Lemon Cake and finished it and was waiting for Xonja to finish her cheesecake when tata! My stalkee of two years entered the restaurant and sat down with a few friends for a meal.

I really didn’t see his face when he came in so how I knew that it was Solis is a mystery, although it’s perfectly fine if I never know the answer. (It must be lukso ng… whatever can lukso, or the result of my two-year-almost-Acey level of stalking.) I just sat there grinning like a damned chesire cat, telling my friends “It’s my lucky day today!”. It took them a few minutes of scouring the whole establishment before they realized what was up and laughed with me.

I never threw another look at him since he sat down the table because if I did, I might now want to leave Chocokiss and just stay there watching him until he left. (Ask Kuya Justin about that night two years ago.) I even told Janine to tell the waiter to bring us our bill already so we could leave. But no, my beloved Orochimaru-sama, it’s not that I don’t adore him anymore. It’s just that seeing him after almost a year is enough for me and I don’t need to ogle like I did when I first met him. Call it growing up. ^_^

But just for the record, I still like Solis. The way Misa likes Light. :))

Lucky, lucky, lucky day. ^_^

Pang-apat.

Anniversary.

Say Hello to DEMIAN.

One week after an evil taxi driver took of with my beloved 7610 Supernova, MARCO, I finally have a new phone. Say hello to my Samsung 3600, DEMIAN.

Faithful to my tradition of naming important stuff, I named my phone after Demian Maia, one of my favorite UFC fighters and probably my favorite BJJ martial artist. Actually, I considered naming him Kenny after Kenny Florian, another beloved BJJ-er (Yes, I love grapplers. Ground and pound is one of the most brutally beautiful and beautifully brutal things in this world) or Felipe after my beloved Buddy Felipe Pablo, but in the end I settled for the name Demian because... well, I like how it sounds. And Demian Maia is really cute.

Please don’t tell me that Demian’s color is unflattering (I like gold. Deal with it.) or that he’s too big (I like big things. They make me feel… “Like a man?” Al Rivera offered over dinner once) or that Marco’s brand and specs and features are so much better (I loved Marco more than anyone else in this world did, dammit!). After all, Demian cost just over seven grand and at that price you shouldn’t expect him to come with the same flashy stuff that Marco’s fifteen grand price tag came with. What’s important is that I like Demian and he’s here to stay. ^_^

We’ve been together for just about three days, but things have been going pretty well. Demian’s got the basic things I need and I love love love his huge keypads. I’ve started using him as my alarm clock and playing Megan Joy’s Walking After Midnight through him while I take my leisure baths, much like how I used Marco, and so far Demian has been reliable.

I still miss Marco a lot though, especially his 3.2 MP camera, creatable message folders, slide body and 0 spacebar. You have no idea how much I wanted to cry when I dug out his former housing, which is all that I have left of him. I’d give up almost anything to have Marco back. Lord, alam mo kung gaano ko minahal si Marco. Ikaw na ang bahala kay Manong Taxi Driver.

The day I told him that I had lost Marco, Rex Dizon tried to cheered me up by saying that I’ll live through this. I doubted him then, thinking that I’d spend every waking moment of my life thinking about Marco. But now, with Demian around, I’m sure that what Kuya Rex said will be true. ^_^

PS: I’d like to thank Julyn Tiatco for lending me her LG KS360, Xonja Ramos for lending me her N70 and Janine Satorre for lending me her spare SIM card last week. Lord, thank you for giving me such wonderful friends. ^_^

Chakang Starbucks Barrista!

This afternoon, Kuya Al’s coffee press beaker was broken so he asked me if I could go to Starbucks and ask how much a replacement costs. Since my room mate and I were going to La Salle to volunteer, I told Kuya Al I’d do it and dropped by Starbucks Technohub on our way to MRT.

At the queue, I noticed that the guy behind me kinda looked like the actor Sam Milby, but I really wasn’t sure because he was wearing shades and he kinda had bad skin. (As in lots of red blotches.) At any rate, I ignored him since I didn’t care about Sam Milby anyway (except when Kuya Feps is imitating him).

Apparently though, the barrista and I do not share the same sentiments. She totally ignored me and proceeded to serve Sam Milby. And when she called out Sam’s beverage, she was like “One blah blah blah for Sam! Hi Sam! San ka pupunta?”

In my Boss’s words, the nerd the babaeng yon! At hindi pa jan nagtatapos. As I said, I really didn’t care about Sam so I didn’t bother to listen to what he answered, but my roomie says he said something like he was going to ABS CBN. The barrista then pointed out at Sam’s drinks, “Tatlong drinks? Dalawa date mo?”

It’s a good thing that the senior barrista had led me away to get my order or I would have clobbered that girl in front of her beloved Sam Milby. I mean, is that it, you just shove other customers away whenever a celebrity comes in? Can I see a little professionalism here?

After Sam left, the barrista finally noticed that we were actually there. She gave us our drinks, although she didn’t say “Hi Nic! San ka pupunta? Dalawang drinks mo? Sino ang date mo?”

My roomie, ever so kind and patient, just remarked, “Na-mesmerize ka yata kay Sam Milby.”

And you wouldn’t believe what the barrista answered.

“Hindi naman.”

I like it when you say 'Kata'

I Miss Marco :((

I lost my phone Marco tonight. Apparently he fell off my pocket during the taxi ride to Tandang Sora where I and my friends were to have a slumber party. The driver called Pau, the last person I called using Marco and told her that he was going to return the phone. He never came and my number has been out of reach ever since.

Marco hasn’t even spent a year with me. I bought him last November when we went to Singapore. I named him Marco because the sales guy who assisted us when we were buying Marco looked like Marco Lansangan. Marco, a 7610 Supernova, was actually my second choice of phone, but since the Nokia store ran out of the model I wanted, I got him instead.

I developed a really deep emotional attachment with Marco nonetheless. All my contacts, dear images and appreciated messages you guys sent (from birthday greetings to questions of where am I) were all in him. He was also my notepad, calculator and alarm clock. Literally he had been the closest thing to me ever since I got him.

The thought that I would never see him again breaks my heart. But I guess it’s my fault, I should have been more careful. As my parents said, wala na tayong magagawa. Maybe I’ll just go back to using Raikkonen (my old 3650 phone) until I find the next phone for me.

Marco, wherever you are, I’m sorry and I really really really miss you.

And to that taxi driver, see you in hell.

Color Me Orange. Again. ^_^

I had 6pm coffee and 7:30 dinner with Kuya Al tonight. ^_^

The coffee is my payment for the peppermint almond mocha he made for me last week. As you all know, I'm utterly helpless in the kitchen so making coffee for him, no matter how much I want to, is not an option. Instead we had his favorite beverage, iced Almond Mocha frappe, at Starbucks TechnoHub.

Kuya Al likes his coffee bitter so I ordered a quad venti Almond Mocha frappe for him. I almost laughed at the barista's reaction - "Quad venti?" he repeated, eyes wide. (It reminded me of Kuya Rex's reaction when I told him that Kuya Al likes his ventis with four espresso shots: "Quad? Sobrang pait na non. Di kaya magpalpitate na sya?) When I nodded, the barista laughed and said "Ah okay. Para sa mga kailangan talagang magising." I laughed with him and, pointing at Kuya Al, said "Ewan ko sa kanya.”

We had identical drinks so Kuya Al made sure that he got the coffee that had the four espresso shots label. Unfortunately, the barista made a mistake and my almond mocha was the one they added extra espresso shots to, even if Kuya Al's cup was the one that had the four espresso shots label.

I'd taken two sips from my super bitter coffee before we realized the mistake. And what can I say, I don't think I'll ever drink a quad venti again. It's really bitter. And Allandail Rivera, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I will never take on your challenge of drinking a pure espresso shot. ^_^

Kuya Al reminds me a lot of my brother Ryan and Kuya Rex. Actually, hanging out with Kuya Al is pretty much like being with Kuya Rex – it’s like we never run out of things to talk about, and they both share the most interesting stories. Tonight I was told about the adventures of little Allaindail and the crazy, mean dogs he hates so much, his barely passing physics scores, how to properly cook pasta, when to and not to talk to an ex and his lactose intolerance among many others.

Hanging out with Kuya Rex and Kuya Al is a lot fun. ^_^ It just makes me sad because I don’t get to spend that much time with Kuya Rex because he doesn’t study here anymore, and next sem is Kuya Al’s last sem here in UP. It’s like the happy times are so fleeting.

Actually, I don’t know how to end this entry. Maybe I’ll just say thanks to Kuya Al again, and tell Kuya Rex for the nth time that I miss him so. ^_^

Mmmmmmmm. ^_^

Today’s story begins with a YM chat last night. “What time ing class mu tomorrow?” Kuya Al asked. “I’ll bring some coffee. Makagawa from here. [sic From at home in Pampanga] Go, request naka!”

I never really hung out with Kuya Al until recently, so it’s just now that I learned about his passion for cooking and making gourmet coffee. That makes us opposites since the kitchen isn’t really my place in the house, but I seldom pass up an opportunity to eat or drink. So I took on his offer, and before we said goodnight I had a peppermint almond mocha with my name on it due the next day.

If I tell you that this day is beautiful, you know I’m shitting you because I don’t like rainy days and it’s the day of my second Econ 131 exam. To put it in Dana White’s words, this day is fucking terrible. So when Kuya Al and I met up at SC for lunch today and I finally took a sip of the well-heralded peppermint almond mocha, the only thing I could say afterwards was “This is the loveliest thing I’ve had today.” ^_^ And I meant that.

I only tasted a hint of the almond flavor and a bit of the chocolate, but I’m not complaining because the heady rush of the minty aftertaste was enough to keep my eyes twinkling and my mouth tingling. ^_^ Kuya Al said that the coffee wasn’t suited to his taste because it wasn’t as bitter as he would have wanted and it was way sweeter than he would have preferred, but I guess that’s just him because it tasted swell to me.

He brought just a tall tumbler, (which wasn’t even filled full since Kuya Al took sips from it when he got bored during the bus ride back to UP this morning) but I liked the coffee and its mintiness so much that I took only small, frequent sips so I could taste the caffeine mint as many times as possible. And guess what. The beverage lasted me a whole afternoon!

I drank it when we ate lunch, I drank it while we waited for the OUR offices to open so Kuya Al can submit his dropping slip, I drank it during my Natsci 1 class and finally emptied it at nearly 5:30 as I left Econ after my 131 exam. If I took on Kuya Al’s offer to cut my class and exam and hit the mall with him instead, that’s still probably the time it’ll take me to let go of the coffee. ^_^ Needless to say, I enjoyed it much.

In our YM chat I promised Kuya Al that I would blog a review about the coffee he made, (“magpakaplastic ka naman at sabihin mong masarap”) but heck, who am I kidding? I’m not a coffee connoisseur. I’m not even a millimeter of the coffee drinker that Al Rivera is. My opinion would be worthless.

But for whatever it’s worth, I’d give Kuya Al four thumbs up. More if I had any more thumbs to give. I lovelovelovelovelove his coffee, and I appreciate him even more for sharing so many things with me today. ^_^

Will I pay him back by making coffee for him too? Uh, let’s not waste precious coffee beans. Let’s just go to Starbucks one of these days. ^_^

It could have been a happy ending

...but she hates being left behind way too much to compromise, and he loves the freedom of solitude way too much to commit.

Doesn't really matter how everything else seems to be perfect.

This, sweetheart, is what you call LIFE.

Kay Birthday Girl

Janine,

The truth is, like most of my dearest friends, I don’t really remember a lot about the first time I met you. It must have been during one of our earliest floor parties, the one where we played backstabbers, because I remember how hard you laughed when you read that someone said I look like Nick Carter and Joyce looks like Joyce Jimenez.

I don’t remember how we got chummy. Yes, we were classmates in Econ 11 but we never came to class together because back then I was too GC so I went to class 30 minutes before time while you were too lenient so you went to class 15 minutes before dismissal.

I don’t remember how we became friends. You used to drop by my and Janice’s room a lot but we never really talked much about stuff because you two would speak in Bisaya and I’d have no idea what you were talking about.

I don’t remember how we became members of Lambda Gamma. The only thing I know is that we were eating together and making fun of Lucky Manzano being a booger and somehow we had so much fun together so we decided to form a group that we called the Lucky Girls.

I don’t remember how you became such an important person to me. Maybe it’s because we spent too much time together. Or maybe it’s because we laughed at too many jokes together. Still maybe it’s because you treated me to too many meals. It’s too difficult to point an exact reason out.

But I guess it’s okay not to know why and not to remember how.

The important thing is that I know that you are going to be my friend forever, even though we don’t live under the same roof anymore, even though you accuse me of being GC and even though I’ve missed to many UP Fairs with you guys.

The important thing is that I know you will be there the next time I need a friend to talk to, the next time I need a hand to help me out and the next time I need the latest scoop about Rafael Solis.

The important thing is that you know that I will be here for you anytime and anywhere you need me – because that’s what real friends are for.

The important thing is that I remembered your birthday and you’ve got a cake with not just your name but also your face on it. ^_^

Happy Birthday, Ma’am J9!

Birthday Wish

Yellow moon, ima mo mittsu kazoete
Me wo akete, me wo mite
Se wo muke ai nagara
Me wo mite
Tell me, yes or no?

Yellow moon, keep on counting to three
Now open your eyes and look at me
Stand by my side
Look into my eyes
And tell me, is it a yes or a no?

-Yellow Moon, Akeboshi


Tatlong araw nalang birthday ko na. Last week pa ako tinatanong ng mga tao kung ano daw ang gusto kong gift.

Iba-iba ang sagot ko. Car, dog, house and lot, phone, lartar, trip to the moon, polar bear, white tiger, bank account na may one zillion dollars, life size statue ni Solis at si Solis mismo. ^_^

Pero God, alam mo naman kung ano talaga ang gusto ko di ba?

For the Girl Who Loves Miniskirts. ^_^

The Ultimate Bummer

Usually I just go online to find out the results the next day, but because two of my favorites were on the main card last night, I stayed up really late to watch a telecast of UFC 101.

Mind you, the only tournament I don't mind staying up late to watch is the World Poker Tour.

Mind you two, I don't really like UFC that much at all.

But because Ultimate Fighter One (the reality show) is love love love, I had to watch Declaration to root for Kenny Florian and Forrest Griffin.

And of course, both of them had to lose. :\ The hard way. Griffin by KO, Florian by submission.

Will I stay up late to watch UFC 102 on my birthday? Probably. It's my favorite Ultimate Fighter One alum Chris Leben's comeback fight after finishing his nine month suspension last July.

This time I hope I don't stay up late for nothing.

Maikli Lang. Seriously.

Ode to Bryan

The first time I saw you, you were a member of the Bosconian Team in the Pautakan we held at UA. Back then I was too busy abhorring your cocky schoolmate so I told myself that I would shrug you off as another cocky Bosconian, just like most of the others who came before you.

And I did.

The second time I saw you, you were already trying to be a part of the family I call Aguman. You were with your buddy, my batch mate Trish, who back then had issues with her buddy mem taking in a new buddy app. I took Trish’s side, having issues of my own with my Budd’s new buddy, and told her that because of that I would not be mean to you.

And I was not.

The third time I gave a lot of thought about you, you were a candidate to become the org’s next treasurer, the opponent of one of the men I looked up to the most. I usually go for the ones who have been tested and proven, but you had a light in your eyes that made me want to give you my trust.

And I did.

The fourth time you meant something to me, you were being pronounced the org’s new treasurer. By that time my belief in you wanted to falter because you seemed like you did not really want the responsibility you were given. I looked up at the stars and prayed that I would not have to regret my decision of letting you succeed the noble service of Justin Dungca.

And I have not.

By the time we sat beside each other in that dirty corner at the photocopying center in San Fernando, you meant more than another cocky Bosconian, my batch mate’s buddy app, a candidate for an execoun position and the org treasurer.

You meant the tutor who patiently taught me how to play pusoy.
You meant the boy from Apalit who did door-to-door at various establishments in Angeles and San Fernando for CEER funds.
You meant treasurer who always made sure that he had something to give to every committee that said it needed funds.
You meant the new mem who did things for the org so dedicatedly that one would think you’ve been a part of this family your whole life.
You and your batch meant a standard, almost something to be jealous about because I wish my own batch was like yours – my batch should have been like yours - but it isn’t.
And more importantly, you and your selfless service was an inspiration that urged me to stand up and for the first time really do something for this family.

And I did.

Now, after everything you’ve done for our family, I can earnestly say that you are worthy of earning my respect.

And you have.

“Ate Nic, ang hilig mo sa ode, no?”

“Haha, hindi naman, mejo lang.”

“Bakit yung ode ni Kuya Kevin pabilog? Dahil ba bilugin sya?”

“Haha! Hindi naman bilugin si Kevin e. He’s... beefy.”

“Okay, sabi mo e. Haha!”

“Hayaan mo, next week igagawa kita ng ode.”

“Wag na.”

“Wag na ka jan. Basta igagawa kita ng sarili mong ode. Yung hindi payat.”

And I did. ^_^

mi car was hit by a bus. :(

July 25, 2009. Right after I dropped off the Agu-apps and fetched my sister at Rob.

My car being the smaller vehicle and being less experienced than the bus driver, I thought it was my fault, but my dad and more importantly the police said that it was the bus driver who was at fault. (Whew!) The area after the gas tank got dented because the bus’s right front wheel rammed into it, (sob. :’[ ) but at least no one got hurt.

The bus driver was a kind man who promptly apologized. To my surprise, my dad asked him only one thousand pesos as payment for the damage and even requested the police to let the accident go off record. Bus drivers don’t get paid much and he might even get fired if the management learns that he hit a vehicle, my dad said, and since the driver was nice he didn’t want to hassle the man further.

I informed only close relatives, a few friends in Pampanga and three of my Aguman superiors (The King, The President and The Boss), but so many people still called and sent text messages. Thank you to all the beautiful people who expressed their concern (hugs to my blood relatives and Agufamily), and to everyone who helped out, especially Andy Lao.

Oh, and I can’t not tell you about the wonderful policeman who assisted us. After everything was sorted out, my dad pulled out a bill from his wallet and gave it to the policeman, saying “Kahit pang-meryenda lang” but the policeman just smiled and refused to take it.

Will I ever drive again? Believe it or not, right after the accident, my dad insisted that I drive the car back home. He said the accident was not my fault so I shouldn’t feel like I’m not a capable driver. He even said that it’s time for me to get behind a different wheel – so the next day he let me drive the Civic SIR Ferio.

The Corolla’s gonna be repainted sometime this month, and because I have issues with the Civic’s clutch, acceleration and steering (and trust me, you don’t want to be driving a ride you have issues with), looks like I’m not gonna be behind a wheel for the next couple of weeks. But as Suni Clay put it in my favorite NFS Most Wanted Soundtrack -

"I’ll be here soon, to a hood near you." ^_^

Ode to Kevin

Ode to Baskal

I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved...

Yet you chose to be on the side of me... on the side of me...

Cause everyone needs a friend to hold

When it's cold outside and there's no place to go

Everyone needs a friend to hold

I remember when nobody cared...

I remember when nobody cared...

Nobody cared... but YOU."

Thomas,

Naiyak ako kanina.

Nung tinanong ni Boss kung bakit, sabi ko hindi ko alam. Baka mood swing, first day ko kase ngayon. Mukhang nakumbinsi ko naman siya dahil hindi na nasundan ang tanong niya. Pero sa totoo lang, alam ko naman na isa ka sa mga dahilan kung bakit ako naiiyak.

Dumaan ako sa tambayan nyo kanina. Uuwi na dapat ako pero sabi ko sa sarili ko hihintayin ko nalang si Boss sa tambayan namin.

Sarili ko lang naman ang niloloko ko e. Bumalik ako sa AS para sayo.

Nandon ka sa tambayan nyo, pero si Joseph ang kinausap ko. Ayaw kitang kausapin, ni ayaw kitang tignan. Pero syempre, pwede ba naman yon, e ikaw nga ang pinunta ko don. Napigilan ko ang sarili ko na kausapin ka, pero hindi ko napigilang tignan ka. Isang segundo lang, tinignan kita.

At wala akong nagawa kundi ipikit ang mata ko at humarap ulit kay Joseph nung nakita kong nakatingin ka din sakin. Blanko.

Bakit ba kasi nung kasama kita lagi kitang inaaway. Ngayong hindi na tayo magkasama, gusto naman kitang lapitan. Ang gulo ko rin e.

Nagpaalam ako kay Joseph at bumalik ako sa tambayan namin. Sakto, saglit lang dumating na si Boss. Sa totoo lang gusto kong mag-attend ng Genmeet, pero pinilit ko siya na umuwi na kami sa kanila. Wrong idea na bumalik sa AS para makita ka, nadepress lang ako dahil hindi tayo nag-uusap at kasalanan ko kung bakit. Baka maiyak na talaga ako pag nakita pa kita ngayong araw na to at hindi na naman tayo nag-usap.

Akala siguro ni Boss excited akong gumawa ng Aslag kaya pumayag siya. Hinila ko siya agad palabas ng AS para hindi na kita makita, pero nung nasa gitna na kami ng walkway naalala ko na naiwan ko sa tambayan namin ang payong ko. Syempre binalikan namin.

At sakto namang nung lalabas na kami ulit ng AS, papasok ka naman.

At sakto naman sinakop ng Psych Soc at Pugad Sayk people ang daan.

At sakto naman nagkasalubong pa tayo.

Diretso lang ang tingin ko kahit nung nagkabanggaan na tayo. Kunwari ako parin yung Nic na kasama mo noon, at kunwari ikaw parin yung Baylis na kasama ko noon. Kunwari wala paring nagbago, except na meron na nga.

At parang pinaparamdam talaga sakin ng taas na ako naman ang may kasalanan dito dahil kailangan talaga ang kantang tumugtog sa playlist ko ay Just Go. There's nothing inside me that still feels connected to you, to me you're already gone.

Sinabi ko kay Mike na umalis na kami para hindi na kita makita at para hindi na ako maiyak.

Pero nakasalubong pa rin naman kita.

At pagdating sa 34G, umiyak pa rin naman ako.

Ode to Thomas

Don't tell me
That I have to see you everyday.
You're graduating this year
And I don't want you to be
Another Rafael Solis.

And I try to walk away but I keep telling myself You're the one for me Cause this love is so contagious it keeps pulling me in We were meant to be and I can't leave you So we're right back in the water Right back in the water

Venting Out.

My Dreams Just Got A Little Weirder

I’ve been having this weird, recurring dream of giving neckties away for some weeks now.

The first one happened over a month ago. I dreamt that I and Justin Dungca were in front of Econ and I told him “Kuya may bibigay ako sayo.”, handing him a diagonally striped blue and dark blue necktie. He took it, and then I woke up.

I shrugged the dream off because I knew that Kuya Justin liked neckties, often telling us that he wants to buy a necktie or will somebody please give him a necktie. I thought that maybe my subconscious just ‘liked’ that trivia and decided to make a dream about it.

Over a week after that, I had exactly the same dream – the setting was also in front of Econ, I also gave a guy a necktie and I also woke up after he took it. Except that now the guy was Rex Dizon.

Does Kuya Rex fervently declare that he likes neckties just like Kuya Justin does? No, he doesn’t. In fact, I don’t think Kuya Rex and I have ever talked about neck ties before.

The third time I had this dream was a handful of days ago. Again, the setting was the same, I said the same “Kuya may bibigay ako sayo” line and I woke up after he took the tie. This time the guy was Kevin Penalba.

Does Kevin like neckties? Not sure. The only time a necktie had been involved in a conversation between he and I was going to Trinoma before the lantern parade last year. I went to 75Mat wearing a gray coat top that he said would look cuter if I wore a tie.

Last night I had that weird dream again. Except that now it’s even weirder.

This time the guy I gave a tie to was Francis Del Valle, a former classmate in a Political Science elective. If I remember right, he’s a sociology major and his ID number starts with 2006 so he must be a year older than I am.

I find it weird that he got my latest necktie because unlike the earlier recipients, who I can at the least call my friends, (more appropriately, my brothers in blood and candlewax as Ate Jean puts it. ^_^) the closest that Francis and I had ever been with each other was that one time we sat beside each other for an hour at Sir Arlegue’s class.

In fact, I don’t even think we’ve spoken a proper sentence directly addressed to each other. See, we usually sit at opposite ends of the room. The only reason why I know his name, course and student number is because he recited often and the attendance sheet had our student numbers and courses in it. That having been said, there is no need to say that I have not the slightest idea what Francis thinks about neckties.

It gets even weirder. For the first time, I did not wake up after Francis took the necktie. Instead he told me that we should drop by 51Mat. (51Mat is my budd Jen’s house. Does anyone in 51Mat know Francis?) So we rode a jeep and halfway to 51Mat I told him that I needed to buy something at Ministop. I bought a box of tissues (although I didn’t know why) and wanted to pay for it with a credit card but the cashier said that something was wrong with my card.

Suddenly Francis was screaming at the cashier like crazy, saying something along the lines of “If she wants it then you should as hell give it to her!”. It shocked me to hear him say that because he doesn’t really look like the type who bitches ears off. I was about to tell him to knock it off when I finally woke up.

I don’t know why I keep on having these weird recurring dreams any more than I know what they mean. (Although my very supportive pusoy tutor Bryan says I might become a necktie salesperson) I searched the net for meanings of dreams about neckties but I couldn’t find an entry about giving away neckties.

I guess the only thing I could do is wait for the next dream, eh? ^_^

Suko Na. :'(

Suko Na.

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking ‘Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?”

- I Won’t Go Home Without You, Maroon5

If it’s going to be over, might as well make it tonight.
I guess we’ll never make things right no matter how many chances we give to try.
We’re not going to make it, not tonight, not ever.
Right now I just want to go home – without you. :’(

Dumbfounded.

YM conference while chatting with Kuya Rex kahapon.

mike gulapa: THREE: DAPAT GUMAGALAW YUNG TAG BOARD! MAG TAG KAYO, GUMAWA KAYO NG ISSUE MANGOKRAY KAYO KAHIT ANO! BASTA DAPAT MAKITA KO YUNG MGA PANGALAN NYO DON!

inoue_shiranui: i can’t believe you gave that for an example. seriously. ^_^ (shows the statement to jrl_dizon)

jrl_dizon: pwedeng mang-okray? yey!

As much as I am already dumbfounded by my boss’s bold (literally and figuratively) statement, I find that I am even more dumbfounded by the fact that I’m actually liking Rec and Pub work a lot. ^_^

Forever in the UP AGUMAN I Will Belong

Sa mga ganitong oras nagpapasalamat ako na naging member ako ng pinaka the best na org sa buong mundo. ^_^

***

Minsan hindi ako makapaniwala kung gano kabilis ang panahon. Parang nung isang araw lang kami yung pinag-aacquaintance. Ngayon batch mate ko na ang IVP at sya na ang head sa pagpeprepare ng event.

“Trish, dito ka saglit.” Sabi ko sa kanya nung finally nakita ko syang walang ginagawa. Pumunta kami sa isang sulok ng room, tas niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit.

“I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of everything you’ve done. I’m so proud that you’re my batch mate.”

And really, I was.

Niyakap din niya ako, tas nakita ko naiiyak na siya. “Thanks Nic. Thanks talaga. I love you batch mate.” ^_^

***

Pag may alumni na dumarating sa events ng org, I feel so proud. Parang, ang sarap ng feeling na maging part ng something na nandito na bago pa ako ipanganak, at ang sarap ng feeling na alam kong tinutuloy ko ang legacy nila.

Ang sarap ng feeling na alam mong you’re part of something that will live on.

***

Nakita ko siyang mag-isa dun sa may window. Dala-dala yung giant teddy bear ni Budd, nilapitan ko siya.

“Kuya, hindi na kita nakikitang hindi naka-ear phones.” Sabi ko.

Tumawa siya.

Ngumiti ako tas bumalik nako sa seat ko. Nasabi ko na ang gusto ko, at sana naiintindihan nya. Alam ko na maiintindihan nya. ^_^

***

Pinapanood ko siya habang pinakikinggan ka niyang magsalita. Sayo lang siya nakatingin at ikaw lang ang pinakikinggan nya. Naka-smile sya, obvious na masaya sya.

At kahit wala ka pang masyadong napapatunayan, alam ko na proud sya sayo.

Ako din. ^_^

***

“Boss, congrats!” sabi ko. Tinaas nya ang kamay niya at nag-high five kami.

Dati naiisip ko kahit kailan hindi ako magiging full member ng kahit anong ibang committee; para sakin educ pa rin ako. Haha, first love never dies ang drama. Para sakin, educ kase ang dahilan kung bakit ako nasa org na to.

Pero everytime nakikita ko kung gano ka-dedicated ang head namin sa bagong committee ko, nag-iiba ang isip ko. After all, a first love is special, but oftentimes something comes along that you learn to love more.

Kahit wala na ako sa educ, hindi ko tinalikuran ang dahilan kung bakit ako nasa org na to.

Nagkaroon lang ng isa pang dahilan kung bakit ako nandito.

Ako ay proudly Rec and Pub.

***
Ako po si Nic, Baskal 07-A. FOREVER in the UP AGUMAN I will belong. ^_^

Sayo

You feel so old, you tell her once.

She laughs and says that you’re silly. Your age is still spelled with ‘teen’, she points out, and any age with ‘teen’ on it is not old yet.

You chuckle, but you insist that you really feel old. Sometimes you even feel like you're old enough to be someone's dad.

She doesn’t answer, but she sits up on the bed. It would have been her pleasure to tell you that you're too moody to be a dad, but she sees that you seem too tired from battling your mathematical monsters for a playful banter. She refuses to admit it, but you’re that important now – important enough to make her adjust to your moods. So she keeps quiet and keeps her thoughts to herself.

She watches you continue your mad computations and tells herself that maybe all that acad stuff is just stressing you out, that’s why you feel old. Or maybe it’s not really the acads – maybe it’s the reality that these acads bring. You’re graduating soon, you need to find a job, you need to rake in big bucks like your brother, you need to be the good and grateful son that your parents need.

She remembers having asked you once what you wanted to do after college – you said you’re not sure, you might take Law or get an MA. But it doesn’t matter, you added. What’s important is that you know what you want in the end. You’ll just find a way to get there. She took one look at your grinning face and knew that you meant it.

You continue working on your computations. She yawns and tells you that it’s two in the morning and she’s sleepy. Go ahead, you tell her. You’ll only be up for another hour and then you’ll hit lights out too. She closes her eyes to welcome sleep, but not before looking at you one last time and deciding that this must be part of your finding a way to get to where you want to be, wherever that is.

She wakes up a couple of hours later, at around four thirty. She finds you asleep on a pulled-out bed on the floor, your peaceful teenage face bearing no trace of the feeling of old age that you were talking about. She lays her head back on the pillow, but she doesn’t close her eyes.

For most of her life, she’s been a cross-the-bridge-when-you-get-there kind of person, just like you are. But now, because of her earlier thoughts, she finds herself thinking about her ‘where I want to be in the end’ and how she would get there. Her ideas about the earlier are vague – becoming a financial analyst would be okay, raking in a hundred grand monthly would be fine, having a kid or two sounds so-so. The only thing she’s sure is that somehow she wants you to be a part of her future.

But the latter is a different story – she is absolutely clueless about how she would become an FA, where she would get the hundred grand is a mystery and the idea of having kids suddenly sounds bad. Most of all, how will you be a part of her future if she keeps pushing the ‘me and you’ away?

She guesses that she fell asleep while thinking about all of these because the next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes to the cheerful sunlight. She rubs her eyes clear just as you return to the room from the shower.

You grin at her and say good morning.

She smiles back, and suddenly she knows that she doesn’t really need to worry about the future.

Because everything will be alright.

Monsod, clap clap clap!

“There are some things in life that simply cannot be explained. Like how some people pass UPCAT but fail Ateneo. I mean, anong nangyari? That cannot be!”

-Prof. Toby Monsod, Econ 131.

Clap clap clap! No other words needed. ^_^

Econyomics

Kanina sa Natsci 1.

Binuksan nya ang pinto, pumasok sa room at agad umupo sa unang bakanteng upuan na nakita nya. (Dapat lang, almost twenty minutes na syang late, e.) Yon din yung upuan na inupuan nya last meeting, yung dulong chair sa harap. Katabi ng akin.

Oo, sya yung kinekwento ko na seatmate kong kamukha ni Chris Richardson ko. (AI Season 6)

“Excuse me…” sabi nya. “Ano na’ng ginawa?”

“Sinulat lang nya yung schedule ng exams tas nag monologue na si Sir.” Sagot ko. (Totoo naman e.)

Tumawa sya at nilabas ang notebook nya. “Pwede pa-kopya?” At dahil madali akong kausap, binigay ko naman ang notebook ko. “Thanks.” Sabi nya. “I’m Francis. Pol Sci.”

“Nic. Econ.” Sagot ko.

“O? Hindi halata.” Sabi nya habang sinisimulang kopyahin ang notes ko.

Hindi ako sumagot. Tinignan ko lang sya habang nagsusulat sya. ‘Hindi halata’? Is that supposed to be a compliment? In the first place, ano ba ang ibig nyang sabihin sa ‘hindi halata’? Baket, ano ba ang itsura ng halatang econ?

Napansin siguro nya na hindi ako sumagot dahil tumigil syang kumopya ng notes at tinignan nya ako ulit.

“I mean, hindi ka kasi conyo.” Tuloy nya.

Napataas nalang ang kilay ko. Fuck, Francis, pasalamat ka kamukha mo yung crush ko.

Binalik ko nalang ang mga mata ko kay Sir Abastillas na nagmomonologue pa rin, humahagikgik sa sarili nyang jokes. Pero sa tenga ko, parang naririnig ko pa rin yung sinabi ni Francis. ‘Hindi ka kasi conyo.’

At sa di malamang kadahilanan, unti-unting nabuo ang mukha ni Jerome Venzon Caylao sa isip ko.

Sidonimado

I saw you yesterday.

I was about to move closer to the car in front of me in the usual SM exit traffic when you passed by. At first I wasn’t really sure if it was you, so against my better judgment and my father’s constant reminders I kept my eyes off the road and looked at you instead. And yeah, it was you.

For a moment I considered rolling down the windows and calling out your name (Boy, was I that glad to see you again?) But as you walked by my car I realized that it would have been useless. Well, suppose I did call you out and you did look back; what was I supposed to say or do next?

I didn’t know. So I kept still and followed you with my eyes until you became a small brown dot that gradually disappeared behind the row of cars behind me.

But Jay, I know now. I know what I should have said.

It’s been a while since we last saw each other, ne? God, for seventeen you look too old for your age. Is that what one week of med school has done to you? Yeah, speaking of med school, how’s UPM? I’ve been there just once, it’s not the nicest place, but I know how much you want to be a doctor so I guess you’ll deal. By the way, I had dinner with your friends the other night. They’re so innocently GC!

And oh, do you remember that piece of paper I gave you the last time we saw each other? The one with my smiley on it? Did you keep it? Because I kept the one you gave me.

Well, I’ve got to get going now. Good luck with your acads, although I seriously think that you don’t need that much luck. You’re just about the most intelligent person I’ve known – well, except for Marco Lansangan and Buduy Mallari.

And Jay… I… never mind. See you around.

Ode to Janine

Ten Things You'd Be Surprised To Know About Me

1. When my Pol Sci 14 Prof asked me what my ambition in life is, I answered “To be a lawyer-economist married to a fellow lawyer-economist and with a lot of future lawyer-economist kids.”

Now honestly that isn’t true at all, but I guess it’s not that bad if it does come true, ne?


2. A fortuneteller once told me that I’d end up with a professor and have five kids.

If the professor’s name is Kris Allen, bring it on. Otherwise, forget it.


3. The worst thing that anyone has ever called me is not bitch, (which Janine Claire Satorre calls me everyday) but actually “…an iceberg with a stick shoved up her ass.”


4. At some point in my life, I’ve wanted to be a genetic engineer, an anime storyboard editor, an ichthyologist, a lawyer, a diplomat, an animal farm owner and a book author.

One thing I never wanted to be was an economist.


5. Right now the person I look up to the most is this wonderful man named Joeven Rex Dizon. ^_^ (Surprise ba yon?)


6. So far, only two movies have made me cry – I Am Sam and Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros.


7. At home my parents call me Nei-Nei. My sister Daisy is called Dei-Dei and my only maternal first cousins Ryan and Elaine, who are more like our siblings than cousins, are called Yan-Yan and Len-Len respectively.


8. I need at least 40 minutes to take a good bath. Anything shorter than that, I don’t feel comfortable and I usually have to shower again.


9. I like watching Happy Tree Friends (Yes, the sheer morbidity of it makes me laugh), but only when I’m with Joyce and Xonja.


10. I lie as easily as I eat chocolate pie. ^_^

Kung Totoo Lang Sana

A Life Changing Realization

Sa point na yon, naiyak ako bigla… Kase naisip ko, pano kung ten years from now maging ganon ang scenario? Magpapabili ng toy yung kid ko tapos wala akong pambili. Fuck. Kung neopet palang ganito na kasakit na hindi ko siya mabilhan ng toy, pano pa kaya kung kid ko na yon?

Si robbee_rabbit ang neopet ko.

Ginawa ko sya sixty eight days ago. Bored ako kaya sinuggest ng friend ko na gumawa ako ng neopet. Five minutes later, robbee_rabbit came to the world.

Unfortunately, hindi kami agad nagkaroon ng emotional attachment. Bago ko pa ma-explore ang neopet world, nag-initiate ng chat si Jerome Caylao. Syempre inabandon ko si robbee_rabbit para kay Kuya Joms. Between a virtual pet and a real human, sa real human ako no.

After that, nakalimutan ko na completely si robbee_rabbit.

Until last night. Nakita ko si Janine na nag-neneopets at naalala ko si robbee_rabbit. I decided to check him out. Sa sobrang tagal ng time na nakalimutan ko siya, ni hindi ko na nga maalala kung ano ang username at password ko. Kinailangan ko pang isa-isahin yung mga e-mail addresses ko (My king, you know how many and how crazy my e-ads are!) para hanapin yung verification note.

Nung finally naka-log in nako, pinakita sakin yung status ni robbee_rabbit: sad and dying. :’(

Naguilty naman daw ako kase pinabayaan ko siya ng ganon. Tinanong ko kay Janine kung pano pasasayahin si robby_rabbit, at sabi niya pakain ko daw kase dying na nga yung pet ko. Unfortunately, dahil wala pa akong nilarong neogame, wala akong neopoints na ipambibili ng neofood para kay robbee_rabbit.

I felt really bad. Naawa naman daw ako kay robbee_rabbit kase pinabayaan ko siya ng ganon. Lalo na nung may na-click akong something tapos may nag pop-out na window with robbee_rabbit on it. Sabi niya, “Can you please buy me a toy?”

Gustong-gusto kong ibili ng toy si robbee_rabbit. Kaya lang wala nga akong neopoints na pambili ng toy niya. Sa point na yon, naiyak ako bigla. As in yung iyak na iyak talaga, kaya sabi ni Pau, “Nic, okay ka lang?”

Hindi. Kase naisip ko bigla, pano kung ten years from now maging ganon ang scenario? Magpapabili ng toy yung kid ko tapos wala akong pambili. Fuck. Kung neopet palang ganito na kasakit na hindi ko siya mabilhan ng toy, pano pa kaya kung kid ko na yon?

In the end, spent the next three hours playing various neogames so I could earn all the neopoints I need to make up to robbee_rabbit. Bangag nga ako kanina sa Pol Sci kase 3AM nako natulog kakalaro ng games. Sa totoo lang, lame talaga yung games, pero naiisip ko si robbee_rabbit. Para sa kanya lahat ng neopoints na yon.

I guess you could argue na exaggerated lang yung reaction ko dahil robbee_rabbit ang pangalan ng pet ko. Alam ninyo kung kanino ko siya ni-name after at kung ano ang significance ng taong yon sa buhay ko. Siguro nga. Tinatanong ko din sa sarili ko, kung adam_lambie or danny_goatie ba ang pangalan ng pet ko maaapektuhan ako ng ganito?

Nevertheless, super life changing ang experience na yon. Even though I hate kids so much and I can’t imagine myself raising kids, (sabi ko nga kay Kuya Bong ipapaalaga ko sila sa kung sino tas kukunin ko nalang sila pag eighteen na sila) na-realize ko na hindi ko kayang dumating sa point na hindi ko mabigay sa kids ko yung mga kailangan at gusto nila.

At the same time, na-realize ko kung gano ako ka-lucky. Wala pa akong hiningi sa parents ko na hindi nila binigay. (except for my enrollment in UST and a Cefiro V6 Elite, which my dad insists are very bad investments) Sa ngalan ng utang na loob, kailangan siguraduhin ko na maayos ang post-retirement life nila.

So ayon. Tama na muna ang selfishness. Nagbabalik na si GC Nic. ^_^

Hightower

One
White robe
Blue sash
Red letters

Two
His eyes are calm
Breathing even
Mind set

Three
Her brow is feverish
Heart pounding
Mouth open

Four
It begins
But it won’t last long
So you shouldn’t blink

Five
A hand
On white sleeves
Now grip it

Six
Hold your redemption
It’s almost yours now
Claim it completely

Seven
Panic spreads all over
Adrenaline rush
A struggle

Eight
Her eyes don’t move
Hands are clasped
Her head is spinning

Nine
He feels the fear
But never stops
His hold just tightens

Ten
Gather strength
One swift lift
One quick throw

Eleven
Time is above all
It takes him eleven seconds
To make her fall

One, Two, Three,
Four, Five, Six,
Seven, Eight, Nine,
Ten
Eleven

A sickening thud
A groan of pain
A hand is raised
A lip curls into a smile.
It’s over.

He glances at her direction.

She falls.

Ang Alamat Ni Chef Nic

I tried to cook dinner tonight. ^_^

Yes, after spending the whole afternoon watching Jimmy Neutron, I got up and decided that I was going to cook dinner for me and my friends tonight. Now that would sound quite ordinary, except for the fact that you know I can’t cook.

As Pau says, hindi ako mapagpanggap. I know that there are things I’m good at, like being lazy or annoying my sister, but cooking is definitely NOT one of them. The best I’ve ever managed is cup noodles (the one you just add water to) and even then sometimes the noodles end up too soft.

Heck, the last time I tried to just help out cooking, I destroyed the whole meal. Apparently the water wasn’t hot enough when I added the egg to the soup that Joyce was cooking, and tata! Nobody wanted to eat the soup, even me. In fact, it still sits in Janine’s fridge today.

So how did tonight’s cooking go? Simple.

Pau turned on the stove and put oil into the frying pan for me. The oil got really hot and started to make weird sounds, so I retreated to the living room and asked her to put the meat in for me. Awful crackling sounds followed. I got really scared, so I stayed in the living room and watched the news with Janine.

“Lulutuin mo na yung hotdogs?” Pau called out. I listened for more crackling sounds, and when I heard none, I shouted back “Yup yup!”

I went to the kitchen and saw Pau turning the meat over so the other side would cook. Now came the cackling sounds I was listening for, accompanied by hot oil jumping off the frying pan like fireworks on New Year’s Day! I screamed in horror and retreated back to the living room, where I sat down and hugged the big pillow. I heard my friends laugh. Ang bad nila no?

Pau told me she was just going to microwave the hotdogs. Would I like to plug the microwave on? Of course I answered no. Everyone knows I’m scared of plugging electric appliances on. Ayokong makuryente. Si Rafael nga pahirapan i-charge e.

Pau called me and Janine when dinner was done. After ensuring that nothing was cooking anymore, I went to the kitchen and got the food I cooked, which Pau already kindly transferred to the serving plates, and took the food to the dining table. ^_^ Ang galing kong mag-luto, no?

Okay, so maybe I’m just not meant for the kitchen. Or maybe I just haven’t given it enough time and effort. As much as I love eating, I find cooking really arduous. And scary. (Although between Math and cooking, I’ll go for the latter.)

Fittingly, the guy who I said I was going to marry in the Kiss Fuck Marry we Baskals had in our last bonding, said that he knows someday gugustuhin ko ring matutunan magluto so that I could cook for someone. ^_^ After all, the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Now Rex Dizon is a very wise man, and I’ll believe anything he says. ^_^ In that case, I guess I’ll just have to hire a chef.

Falling Slowly

Nawawala ang muse ko. Sabi ng Encarta yun yung source of inspiration ng mga artists. Pag walang muse, walang inspiration. Pag walang inspiration, walang masulat. Well, hindi naman exactly wala, pwedeng ipagpilitang magsulat, pero pangit ang result. Parang tong entry na to. Ni hindi nga ako makapag-english ng maayos kaya mixed to.

Sa totoo lang alam ko namang wala akong matinong masusulat dahil nga nawawala ang muse ko, pero nagrereklamo ang friends ko na hindi na daw ako nag-uupdate ng blog kaya eto, pinagpilitan ko talagang mag-update. Bear with me.

“And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out”

Gusto ko syang tinitignan pag hindi siya nakatingin. Either pag nag-aaral sya or pag tulog siya or pag nag-aaral sya tapos magpapahinga sya at pipikit sya saglit. Haha, mas maganda ang pagkakasabi dun sa Read Between the Lines, yung ‘glances at you from lowered lashes when you’re not looking’.

Syempre freaky naman kung alam niyang tinitignan ko sya, kaya pag nakita kong inalis na niya yung mata niya sa book or gumising na sya, titingin na ako sa kahit ano pang pwedeng tignan. Tahimik lang sya, tapos mag-aaral na naman sya or matutulog sya ulit.

Parang taguan lang.

“Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back”

It gives me the feeling that I have the better of him, in the sense na may alam akong hindi niya alam. Haha, ako alam ko kung kelan niya ako tinitignan. Sya hindi nya alam kung kelan ko siya tinitignan.

Alam ko na nakatingin sya sakin habang iniisip ko kung anong card ang ibababa ko pag naglalaro kami ng pusoy. Alam ko na tinitignan nya ako pag nagsusulat ako, na hinihintay lang niyang ibalik ko yung takip ng pen ko bago nya kunin yung papel at basahin yung sinulat ko. Alam ko na pinanonood nya ako pag kumakain ako ng chocolate, kase na-aamaze sya na I lick off the melted cocoa off my fingers.

At the same time, it gives me the feeling that he has the better of me.

Hindi ko na mapigilang tignan sya e.

“You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won”

Pinakagusto ko pag pinapanood ko siyang matulog. Pag gising kase sya parang lagi syang busy, laging may acads, laging may kailangang gawin. Pero pag tulog sya, nag-iiba. Ang peaceful nyang tignan.

Gusto ko pag nakapikit sya kase natitignan ko sya the way I want to, without having to worry about him knowing that I’m looking. Kaya ngayong katabi ko sya sa sasakyan at natutulog siya, I’ve decided na mamaya nalang ako matutulog pagdating sa bahay kahit inaantok na rin ako. Panonoorin ko nalang muna sya.

The skies are orange this afternoon. Naaalala ko yung sinabi nya dati. Gusto daw niya pag orange yung langit kase may something hopeful about it. Syempre lagi akong detractor, sabi ko di ba blue ang color na nag-sisymbolize sa hope? Sabi nya basta.

Dumilat ang mga mata nya, dahan-dahan. Hindi na ako nakagalaw. Kung may isang bagay na mas masarap panoorin kesa sa pagtulog nya, yon ang pag-gising nya.

Nginitian lang nya ako.

“Pinapanood moko, no?”

May something hopeful nga yata pag orange ang langit.

“Take this singking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you had the choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly, sing your melody
I’ll sing along”

Haha, sabi ko sa inyo tae to e.

Disclaimer: I do not own the song Falling Slowly and no copyright infringement is intended. ^_^ Don’t sue, it’s bad.

Ode to Kuya Joms

hi nic, is that your tooth?

yup, tinanggal kahapon.

yada yada yada yada

kuya may itatanong sana ako sayo.

go on.

[ Type ‘sino si r’… backspace backspace backspace.]

SILENCE.

[ deep breath. blithe fingers. now or never again.]

kuya sino si ryan?

SILENCE.

haha. captain ng econ volleyball team. bakit?

respect. friendship. trust.

i think i know what you mean… do you want me to explain?

Respect. Friendship. Trust.

[Type ‘um’… backspace backspace .]

RESPECT. FRIENDSHIP. TRUST.

you don’t have to explain anything to me, kuya. ^_^

Ouch!

It began last week with a slight sharp sensation near the end of my jaw. Being the carefree person that I am, I just shrugged it off. There was a perfect explanation for that: I was growing a wisdom tooth. I could see the milky white surface surrounded by pink flesh.

Wisdom teeth always hurt when they first appear, right?

But soon enough it got worse. I knew that there was something wrong with my bite; I could feel that that part of my gums was swollen, and I couldn’t eat properly anymore. The pain was tolerable but I decided to visit my dentist anyway.

She took one look at the oral X-ray results and said that it was bad.

Apparently, my wisdom tooth was too big. It would never grow out properly because it was impacted, no more space left for it to grow on, and it was just going to hurt more and more if it wasn’t removed ASAP.

“Remove my wisdom tooth?” I gasped. How the hell are you going to remove a tooth that hasn’t even come out?

I should have gotten the first clue about how bad it was going to get from my dentist’s answer: Wag mo ng itanong. Ako na ang bahala.

And then hell descended upon poor little me.

A three-inch long needle pricked my mouth four times for the anesthesia delivery, and after a few minutes my dentist got this small little scissor-like thing and began cutting something inside my mouth (later on I learned that she had to cut away all the flesh surrounding my wisdom tooth so it could be exposed.)

Thankfully the anesthesia worked well, although I recognized the metallic taste of blood.

Next was the extraction itself. I didn’t really feel my tooth being pulled out, but after the extraction I knew that I was in trouble when my dentist jabbed a whole ball of cotton on my gum and it came out all red.

She did it three more times, and all of the cotton balls and gauzes came out all red too. In the end I needed four stitches to close the wound.

My dentist said that it was going to hurt when the numbing drug wore off, and I should have believed her. When we got home I started to feel my mouth again, and I also started to feel the pain. It hurt so bad that for the first time in a long, long time, I cried myself to sleep.

Not even Adam Lambert’s slick and suave get-up was enough to take my mind off the pain.

I feel a little better now, although it still hurts a lot. My dentist said it’ll feel like this for a few days. I guess Mefanamic Acid is going to be my new best friend.

On the other hand, I did ask my dentist for my tooth, and I have it at home. A little souvenir of this very painful experience.

You think the tooth fairy will pay me a visit?

Read Between the Lines

She doesn’t like falling for friends, you hear her say once.

She points out that friendship is a price too high for a one in a million shot at the unpredictable gamble called romantic love. If things don’t work out, (which is often the case, she said) the friendship is lost forever and there’s no getting it back.

You nod slowly in slight agreement, thinking that she has a point, but you keep the doors open for other arguments. In the meantime you tell her that love is a subject too broad, no sure answers to any questions.

She just laughs and says that she finds it funny that you are talking about love. What’s funny about that, you ask. Of course you talk about love.

Now lately you notice that you two get together more often. Not necessarily just the two of you, most of the time you’re actually with a crowd, but you do spend more time with each other compared to the past few months. You notice that she’s bubblier than usual, her smiles seem brighter and she seems happier in general. And you see that she’s started writing poems again.

Idly you wonder what’s up; but of course you never ask her. None of your business, you tell yourself. So you just keep quiet and you never mention the things you notice.

Then you read the poems. She never explicitly indicates who they are for and she is never generous with clues (again, you never ask her anything, you don’t even tell her that you’ve actually read her poems) but being the smart person that you are, you think you know what this is about.

She must be in love, right?

‘With who?’ is your next question.
With a classmate in some subject?
With a friend’s friend?
With someone you know?
With… you?

You laugh at yourself for your last thought. You remind yourself that she’s always been clear about where she stands when it comes to falling for friends.

You are her friend, she would not fall for you.

At any rate, you try to be more careful around her, so she doesn’t get the slightest idea about what you’re thinking. You smiles are more reserved, you think twice before you approach her and you cautiously choose the words you use.

You don’t know if it’s just you, but she seems to be more careful around you too these days. Sometimes you swear she hesitates before approaching you… but whenever she starts the conversation, it just flows on and goes on naturally, the way it has always been.

So you dismiss the thought with a shrug and tell yourself to mind your own business.

What you don’t know is that something is really up.
What you don’t know is that she goes out of her way for you now.
What you don’t know is that her full laughter around you means something.
What you don’t know is that she glances at you from lowered lashes whenever you’re not looking.

What you should know is that of course she isn’t perfect. Sometimes she breaks promises.

Even those that she makes to herself.

Ode to Lance

Ode to Gentleness

Let it steam beneath
Let it lie between grinding teeth
Your even breaths
My slowly fluttering eyes
An explosion of bright lights
Words are tongue and lip-covered
Yet many just fall out, again
Spilled indiscreetly
Whispers spiraling into screams

Lead me to the rush upstream
Glide up and down
In and out
Down below, serpentine
But save a tear for the moon
And for these stained sheets
The nightmares always come later

Every touch is a confession
Waste your last dime
Make a good fire out of the wood
And don this wanton love
By your side
On your shoulder
In your mind
Over your heart

…now close these doors you tore apart.

Ito ang nagagawa ng walang ginagawa. Hindi mo naiintindihan no? Ako din e.

Ode to Vin

Here’s to all those early mornings
For the betrayals and the deceit
For the favors done and the favors returned
For the superficiality that broke my heart early
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those quiet afternoons
For the words of the wise and the words of the fool
For the trust and the time
For the sincerity that kept demons at bay
Here’s to me and to you.

Here’s to all those late nights
For the fears and the doubts and the uncertainties
For the hopes and the dreams
For the gin and the tequila and the Dunhill sticks
For the silent rides and the silent walks home
For the hushed voices and whispered words
For the longing and asking and pleading
That I wanted to but could not answer
Here’s to me and to you.

Kase sa Totoo Lang

Kase sa totoo lang, nasasaktan ako pag nakikita kitang ganyan.

Kase sa totoo lang, gusto din kitang yakapin at sabihin sayo na maaayos din to lahat.

Kase sa totoo lang, kahit alam kong hindi tama, dumating sa point na naisip ko ng gawin para sayo.

Kase sa totoo lang...

Kaya lang ngayon kailangan gawin ko kung ano ang tama.

Red Days

I've been bleeding unused placentas about once a month for the last six years of my life, more decently called having my menstrual cycle or period. When something happens as regularly as that, I guess the practical thing to do is deal and get used to it, right? After all, females are expected to go through this once every month until they're about fifty.

Not me.

Until now I really haven't settled to feeling comfortable whenever it's the time of the month. I've never really gotten used to feeling so wetly dirty, feeling so heavy, having cramps all the time, checking now and then if my pants have stains, checking for spots of red in my bed sheets, wanting to be in the shower the whole day - I could go on and one for hours but let's not do that. Cutting all the crap, what I'm saying is that I've hated my period since time immemorial.

Sometimes I think that it's one of the reasons why I don't like kids. After all, the only reason why females go through such an ordeal is because it's how we can bear offspring. Right now though, I'm indifferent. Kids or no kids, I just want this period to stop.

I hate red days.

Hindi Ko Na Matiis

My Agu family is going through trying times right now.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this way before. So many emotions are swirling around, anxiety looms all over and uncertainty casts dark shadows that the light of truth, faith and kinship can’t seem to drive away yet.

Smack right in the middle of it is the only constant family I have in UP besides Lambda Gamma.

The drama unfolds like it’s some kind of Kapamilya soap opera and the org’s members, including me, are the characters. You have your lead characters not entirely agreeing with each other, your supporting characters doing a lot of talking among themselves of course about the lead characters, and the extras passing by, still blissfully oblivious to everything that’s happening.

Sometimes I wish it were a soap opera indeed. So the director could just scream ‘cut!’ and everything would stop.

And everything would go back to normal again.

Things are going to get better soon, right?

"I will live not for myself alone. Forever in the UP Aguman I will belong."

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This turned out to be one of the craziest days I’ve ever had.

1. I’m invited to the orientation of Robby’s frat’s sister sorority.

During the first weeks of this happy-crush turned madness (thanks to my ever so supportive friends), I thought that I’d be ecstatic if I ever found myself invited to be his sis. Well, I figured out that realistically speaking, ‘Sis’ was the closest that I wanted to be with this guy . Now, however, ecstatic is the last word that I’d use to describe what I feel.

2. This man we know as Jerome Caylao never ceases to amaze me.

So a few months back I learned that the guy I used to know as simply ‘the conyo’ is nothing like what I thought him to be. He speaks Kapampangan and pure, unadulterated tagalog most the time, plus lo and behold, he’s also an anime fan! (Just when does a classic conyo guy talk about Bleach’s Aizen Sousuke?) As if that wasn’t enough, today I also learned that he actually loves babysitting his nephews, to the point where he held his nephew Ryan Marco in his arms all the time the newborn was sick.

Now that is definitely not the Kuya Joms I know. ^_^

3. Nathaniel Hawthorn said that happiness was like a butterfly, which flies away farther from you the more you grasp it. Sit still and quietly and it will alight upon you by itself.

I’ve been ‘chasing’ my ‘happiness’ for a good few weeks now, which came in the form of peace of mind since an orgmate and I got into a petty quarrel that led to a cold war. Bothered that I didn’t know where we actually stood, tried to ask him again and again about when we were going to talk again, but to no avail. I finally gave up and decided just to forget all about him and the quarrel. Tonight, however, he sent a message saying he had gone over his childishness and wanted to offer peace to someone. How could I not accept?

I don’t know what your reasons are for the sudden change of mind, but I appreciate the effort, Kuya Bong.

4. I am still nominated for a position in my org’s executive council.

No offense to the electoral board, but this one really pisses me off. I don’t understand why they accepted so many rejection letters of other nominess but they didn’t accept mine. The standing nomination just makes things a lot more complicated.

I’d love to be the Educ head, but at this point in my life, I can’t afford to focus on anything else but my studies. If I take on both my acads and chairpersonship at the same time, one will have to be taken for granted. And it sure as hell can’t be my acads.

If I do win, I don’t want to hear anyone complain about my less than satisfactory performance as a chairperson. They have been warned, I will without second thought sacrifice Aguman for my Acads should I come to the point where I need to.

Waaaaaaaaah! Crazy day!

METACHROMATIC

It sucks.

I mean, how it feels when you look forward to something and then it doesn’t happen. In a single second, all the warm, fuzzy, positive anticipation that’s been building up inside that Cro-magnon skull (or ribcage, if you believe that feelings come from the heart) of yours flies out of the window and dives straight into Sauron’s Black Pit, where it becomes the detestable feeling of bitterness.

The event was a total blast. True, there weren’t any free food to eat, fun games to play and even time to just sit down and tell stories – basically what we had to do was work our beautiful asses off - but my awesome friends were enough to turn hell into a playground for the naughty little devils that we were. And boy, it was one heck of a playground.

She was… rather, he was there – nah, it still doesn’t sound right - …Fine, IT was there. For whatever reason it had to be there. Inexplicably it didn’t want to quarrel with me like it usually did – okay, okay - inexplicably I did not want to quarrel with it like I usually did. So we were all smiles and friendly chats to each other, and to my horror, it wasn’t that bad. It was actually… fun.

The day was good. Great, actually. And I would have been completely happy…

…if it weren’t for the fact that the person who really mattered was not there.

“Lady Dreamer, you might be the soundest sleeper
Tonight, sleep tight, and build your nest upon my shoulder…”
-Clockwatching, Jason Mraz

To Eleven Dear Men in My Life

The title pretty much says it all. Just note that it’s ‘To Eleven Dear Men’ and not ‘To the Eleven DEAREST Men.”

1. Captain Kunimitsu

You know I’d do everything for you, and you know I did. I’m just sorry it wasn’t enough to make you happy - I’m just not the one you need right now. Still, thank you for being a good friend and always keeping in touch. We may not be able to see each other often, but is the fact that four years came by before we had the chance to see each other again not enough proof that our friendship can withstand time and space? Remember that I am and will always be here, and yes, I’m still ready to hijack a plane for you. ^_^

2. Zero

We don’t even know each other’s real names. All I know is that you’re a VF addict in NJ and all you know is that I’m a VF newbie in your homeland. But you befriended me and looked after me like an older brother. Thank you for teaching me commands and combos, telling me stories about your life here and there and for making the dojo a wonderful place for me. You will always be my first friend there. I don’t think I’ll ever beat your Akira, but hey, I can always blame the lag. ^_^

3. Basha’s Dad

Thank you for being a very patient, very helpful and very supportive buddy to me, even though I had to drop my application. The first time I met you, you really intimidated me but I’m glad I worked up the courage to get to know you better. Now I think of you as one of the best people I’ve ever met, not only because of your unique personality and your quirky attitude, but because of your big heart. Keep your cooking delicious, your body fit and your personality awesome. Don’t worry about Basha’s mom – you’re a great guy and I’m sure she knows that. ^_^

4. The King of Chocolates

If there’s something I could do for the rest of my life, it’s probably talk to you, because for me that passes for a ‘dynamic and continuous learning process’ that at most times beats the things I learn in this supposedly ‘best’ academic institution. I know you say that only the people who don’t know you say that you’re wise, but I say that the people who really know you know that you are even wiser than you appear to be. Thank you for always being there to counsel me whenever I think I need it and whenever you think I need it (of course you end up being right. ^_^) and for telling the most inspiring, ponder-inducing and entertaining stories. You know I regard you very highly, and I hate the fact that I’m running out of time to spend with you, but just like with Kuya Feps I know that this bond Aguman gave us will not break easily.

5. Seat Number 17

Five reasons.

One, because a lot of times you’re an arrogant bastard (I would’ve said bitch but bastard sounds better), but I won’t have you any other way.
Two, because past the tough exterior you wrap yourself in, I know that inside, you’re a sweet, generous and thoughtful guy who cares.
Three, because I don’t think you see what I want you to see, but it’s alright.
Four, because just for the record, I want you to know that I care too. A lot.
And five, because I could think of a million other places to be, but I’d rather stay here and watch you sleep.

6. Chinelefers

I’ve got a lot of things to be sorry for. Like seldom having the time for you, taking you and our friendship for granted, and in general, not being a good friend. Thank you for being very patient and considerate, and for still being there. We may not be as close as we used to be, but I want you to know that I’ll always hold our happy memories very dearly. I may not have been a good friend all the time, but know that I never and will never forget that Chinelefers is forever. ^_^

7. Kodomo

You have no idea how I much I miss those days when we could just sit and talk casual, trivial things. When you were not yet my boss and I was not yet your charge. When you were still the old you and I was still the old me. Still, thank you for trusting me and believing in the things I can do. I admit that I don’t always deliver, but that fact never even made your trust falter even a bit. That means a lot to me, really – and you do too. ^_^

8. E2A

Funny how something inside my head (actually, inside my rib cage is more like it) insisted that you should be on this list, given the fact that we barely even talk to each other. That having been said, is it a surprise that I don’t know what to say? Well, here’s a shot at nothing. >Insert my signature smiling face here< I’m glad that at least I got to know you, and I’m sad that I won’t be getting to know you better anytime soon.

9. Apple Vodka

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but despite everything that happened between you and me and everything that happened between me and him, you’re still dear to me. I can’t believe I’m saying this either, but I actually miss you. As a friend, at least. I wish things didn’t have to change.

10. Venom

Funny how I always go out of my way to see if the lights on your room are on, and how I secretly smile to myself when they are. Fuck that, don’t mind my blabbing about the lights in your room. You know that what I really want to say is that I miss you. ^_^ Take care of yourself, boy, the last time I saw you your skin seems to be really pale and your mind out of focus. And thank you for the wonderful summer – indeed one of the best in my life. I know you’re going to hit it big someday. ^_^

11. Storageonly

A lot of the people around me don’t even know you, but your name has become such a common word to them and now often associated with me. You know, a lot of times I wonder how you’re doing now if the cultural belief that you bite your tongue every time someone talks about you behind your back is true. You must’ve lost that sweet tongue of yours a long time ago, huh?

Seriously, thank you for giving me a kind of ‘identity’. Having a happy crush on you isn’t always easy, but it is always fun. Thank you for being kind and patient around me, and for always serving as an inspiration. And yeah, I’m still going to enlist on Tour 181, if only to have your mother be my prof. ^_^ Advance happy birthday, Rabbit!

Happy Hearts’ Week, everyone!

Minareru