Endless Line

Shot through the heart

I am literally smitten to the point of pathetic-ness. I have never pitied myself this much, and that comes from a girl who had to be taken to a psychologist after she lost her first job.

He plays a game in 2008, and instead of being a good BDO employee and practicing my Flamenco for the Christmas party on Friday, I spend the entire day scourging the internet for a TFT 1.21 version patch and 6.43 maps. The latest version patch is 1.26 and the latest map is 6.72f so it's like downgrading from Vista to Windows 98. (At naka 200+ obsolete links din ako ha, kahit dota-utilities at getdota wala na nun.)

All to watch a 20-minute replay of a game so long ago when he roamed Lina + dagger and picked off MYM players one by one like they were petals of a sunflower.

Sigh. Vanya, wherever you are, please play again so I don't have to dig up your old Lina replays.

Say Hello to Benz

So this year I didn't plan to get a Starbucks planner like I usually do because:

1. I haven't really been going out with my Starbucks-loving friends lately so no chance to get stickers.

2. I'm actually more frugal now that I have a job even though my salary is way bigger than what I used to get as an allowance because:
a. I realized that I like having money better than spending it, i.e. I feel happier when I look at my passbook and see growing figures than when I go home from shopping and look at all the things I bought (except shoes).
b. I swore to myself that by my birthday next year (or a bit after that) I'm going to have ZSMJ in my life. Alas my dad says that because I'm working now, I just can't ask him to buy ZSMJ for me, we have to split his cost so I kinda need 400k by August. Clue: ZSMJ is not some cute little Chinese guy who inherited from Kuroky the title of best carry.

3. Lately I choose to spend my weekends curled up at home watching you-know-who than going to posh coffee shops to watch random people pass by.

4. As my psychologist said I am mukhang pera and not mukhang planner..

However it turns out that I'm still getting a planner this year because my Ate Len took it up to herself to collect stickers for me! She told me to consider it as my Christmas gift. I'm not complaining because last year she got me a box of cereals for Christmas. (She did buy me like a dozen clothes and shoes the whole year though.)

My last two planners were named Jake (after Two and a Half Men's Jake Harper) and Little Frankie (after UFC's Frank Edgar). Now say hello to Benz. He's an Oak planner named after ZSMJ's former team mate at  LGD, notorious for his Lina. (I love LGD, even now.) I went for Benz because he's the only other pro player I've ever seen do a solo-lane Lina besides Vigoss who once did a solo-mid Lina vs. Invoker.. Baller!

First entry on Benz? Under December 13, 2011, the note “Payday why you so far away : (”.

Crossing the Mexican Borders

Logic will break your heart.

There is an exact moment in time when you hold a sea shell by your ear and you no longer hear the ocean.

The last time you saw him was three years ago, at an Avatar showing. He was with Rob and you were with Al. You saw them at the cinema queue and debated with yourself whether to walk up to them or not. It's not like you were ashamed of Al or anything, but you thought that if you approached them and introduced your orgmate, he might wonder if you and Al were going out. And for some reason you say you never really knew, you didn't want him to think that.

And so you walked away.

Tonight is different. You are tired as hell, almost zombie-like as you grudgingly trudge the long stretch from Sbarro to Cyberzone, but you are alone.

He is walking to the other direction, but he is alone as well.

Your heart skips a beat and this time there is no debating with yourself. Something strong and strange and scary just takes you over and you know that you aren't going to fight it. You don't want to, and even if you did, you know that you can't fight it anyway. It's like eating a Level 16 Laguna Blade, Aghanim's reinforced -at the most unexpected moment, you're hit by a brilliant flash of cerulean lightning, sending a surge of electricity rushing through your veins before it all just overwhelms you and then finally you just fade away.

Your lips part. You feel each letter of his name burning from your gut, through your throat and unto your tongue as you call out his name.

But no words come out.

His eyes never wander off his destination. He never even saw you. You try your damnedest to say his name, to say something, to say ANYTHING – but it just doesn't happen. All you can do is watch helplessly as he passes you by.

It's been five years since things began and ended, and you wonder why you still get affected so much. The only thing you know is that this is the exact reason why you clam up and push people away when they get close. You showed him your vulnerability once, and he shattered you apart.

In the end, all you are able to do is to continue walking away from him while Panic at the Disco throbs at your ears and stabs at your chest.

There’s no more that need be said
When I’m inching through your bed
Take a look around instead and watch me go

There is an exact moment in time when you hold a sea shell by your ear and you no longer hear the ocean.

Instead, if you listen carefully, you can hear the sound of your heart breaking.

A Penny for My Random Thoughts

1. Yesterday was an epic day. I had lunch with Archer, Bong, Boss and Lawi at SM, we watched Praybeyt Benjamin at Rob and then went back to SM for meryenda which was supposed to be ice cream but since ‘Crispy Cream’ was expensive and there were no seats at 7/11, we ended up sampling Max’s Giant halo-halo. Apparently I have earned the reputation of spilling liquids. :P

We spent the whole day laughing about anything and everything, but Lawi’s interpretation of ‘Parking for the disabled’ takes the epic win. Trust my crazy orgmates to turn something supposed to be nice into a laugh trip!

Looking forward to watching The Road soon. No matter how much Boss says we never will. :)

2. Er, this sounds a bit weird, but… Well, I never knew that watching a man eat chili crabs with his bare hands could be so… um… satisfying? I swear, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was just… so… uh, yummy?

Gawd there must be something wrong with me. I am disturbed with myself.

3. Speaking of disturbed. We were at SM Bacoor’s Dep last week when I saw something totally unbelievable – NBA bath towels that had players’ cartoon faces printed on them! I mean, I love Dirk Nowitzki enough to declare that he’s the best thing to happen to NBA whocaresaboutMichaelfreakinJordanguycan’tshootone-leggedjumpers, but the idea of getting out of the shower and wiping myself dry with Dirk’s face is just so weird/awkward/disturbing.

If any of you my readers look forward to rubbing Kobe’s or Wade’s or LBJ’s faces into your bodies, drop me a tag and explain to me why anyone would want to do that. For real.

4. Speaking of NBA. I is so sad about the lock out. How are the Mavs supposed to defend their title when there are no games? How is a clutch team supposed to work their way up again if there are only 50 or less games this season, assuming there is gonna be a season in the first place?


 Above all, I just miss watching Dirk play. :(

5.

Admir, Jolie, Vigoss. Arguably the holy trinity of Virtus Pro (arguably, as very possibly it’s NS, Jolie and Vigoss) which is arguably the best DotA team EVAH (again, arguably, because there’s EHOME 2010). Jolie reminds me a lot of Kenn De Vera. Ang lakas ng dating, you’d never think that he’s… not-that-tall. :)

Sigh. And where was I when VP was kicking ass? I was scolding Stalin Francisco for being too addicted to a “…stupid game…”

If I only knew what I would be doing at 2am in grimy internet cafés five years later, I would have asked Stalin to teach me how to DotA. Then maybe I wouldn’t be so pathetic.

6. New record: Panic at the Disco’s New Perspective has hit 520 plays on my iPod!

7. Epic thread at Sherdog.com.

Title: GSP is not gay
Post: I believe that GSP is not gay. He is just too focused on training and he has no sexuality.
Replies:
TS why did you make this thread and why am I actually posting on it?
The gayness in this thread is astounding.
I lost brain cells for reading this.

In places no one will find

I’ve always said that it’s one of the worst mistakes I made in my life, next to not reviewing for my last BPI exam and saying no to Mac. And most of the time, it is. Because no matter how hard I try to tell myself that what’s done is done and the end justifies the means, every time I think about what I did to John Carl, it just eats me up inside.

 Until now, there’s a big part of me who wishes that I didn’t selfishly, insensitively throw him under the bus. There’s a smaller part that says it’s take one or the other because I know that I wouldn’t have won if I hadn’t done that, and I know that the smaller part is right. But it doesn’t make things less difficult.

Winning the secretarial position gave me the ‘leadership experience’ (at least resume-wise) that I needed to land my jobs. But whenever I remember all the stress, the tears, the hard feelings and restless nights that countless arguments, bashings, back-stabbings and trash talkings that I experienced after finally getting what I wanted, not to forget the fact that John Carl has totally cut me off from his world because of what I did, (I’m not saying that I don’t deserve it) I think it’s almost not worth it.

Many times I find myself wishing that I didn’t run for the position after all. Then maybe people wouldn’t have backstabbed me. Maybe there would be no shadow of doubt about who my real friends were and who were only faking it haunting me until now. Maybe John Carl and I would still be friends. For these reasons, I think – I know - that wanting to be Secretary is indeed one of the worst mistakes I made in my life.

And so I wonder why I find myself crying when I wake up at two in the morning and read a message from Lawi that says “I miss your Aslags and Aslag artics.”

Four Things that Drive Me Crazy

At least right now.

1. Ice cream.

I have been afflicted by an insatiable addiction to ice cream! I haven’t stopped swallowing spoonfuls of the yummy stuff since two weeks ago. Thankfully I have a wonderful mummy who takes very well the fact that I need to be given the things I crave for lest I get depressed again. Since I told her that I wanted ice cream, our fridge has not been without at least two tubs of my favourite Arce Dairy flavours. May I suggest you try ube, avocado, buko lychee and almonds n chips. You’re missing half of your life if you haven’t tasted those.

Omnipresent is my all time favourite, cookies and cream. I love it so much that sometimes I squeal for no reason when I eat it. Oh, and I’ve got a new hobby – digging the cookies out of the cream. The best thing about Arce Dairy cookies and cream ice cream is that it literally has whole cookies!

2. The Harry Potter Series

So yeah now I’m starting to read Half Blood Prince out of boredom. I loved the Harry Potter series - it’s great compared to the popular crap now like Twilight - but I stopped reading after the fourth book because I always got spoiled before I could read the new releases and then I couldn’t bring myself to read them anymore because I was so disappointed about what I learned was going to happen. Knowing that Fred is going to die (separating twins has got to be a mortal sin) and Sirius is not going to make a comeback (and seriously what kind of shallow death is that, it’s like he just fell ass-first into a hole or something) just literally broke my heart.

Oh, and my greatest disappointment? Hermione and Ron ending up together! I mean this is just me but best friends ending up together is just so wrong in so many levels. Why couldn’t she have ended up with Viktor Krum or that Cormac guy or… I don’t know, Oliver Wood or Dean Thomas or Neville Longbottom or Draco Malfoy for Christ’s sake. If it had to be a Weasley couldn’t it have been Percy or George?

And again, that’s just me.

3. That guy in the Cotton Tales section.

So every now and then I watch TV, watch DVD’s on 820 and watch DotA replays. This certain replay which has Vigoss, DeMoN and eight other guys I don’t know or care about was just so... gawd, the only two words to describe it are ‘DotA orgasm’. And I say that channelling Rachel Zoe in her full ‘fashion orgasm’ glory.

I usually watch replays at 2x speed but this one I had to watch at 1x and at times even 1/2x speed because Vigoss just went crazy. He’d literally just TP in one second and I don’t even know what happens but the next second he’s got a kill. Guy went baller Lina 25-3 and had like a dozen assists. As always he rolled hard ganker so at that rate he spent half of the game practically handing out kills to their carry. Plus, two of his three deaths could have been avoided if he just went home after surviving team fights, but no, because he’s Vigoss he had to go out there with 90hp and blow his face off.

That’s it, I will have to marry this guy for my own sanity.

4. My Mum and Dad fighting over… Tumblebugs.

So I take a nap around 4pm and I wake up two hours later because from my room I could hear my Mum and Dad arguing in front of a laptop while playing Tumblebugs. It’s a game that’s like a really cute version of Zuma.

Mum says “Ayun oh! Dun! Ang bagal mo kasing mag-click ng mouse!”

And Dad replies “Wag kaming maingay hindi ako makapag-concentrate!”

It’s un-freakin-believable.

Say Hello to 820

This is the newest member of our PC family, 820. He’s an Acer 4750G which my folks got just in time to cheer me up a bit after losing my job. His 14-inch screen is a bit too small for my liking (I told you, I like big things ^_^) and I’m not exactly a big fan of his audio, but when you’re given something for free you just shut it and say thanks.

His full name (and the name which appears in the user account) is actually EH.GIGABYTE.820. I named him after EHOME’s legendary DotA captain who recently retired from playing competitive DotA. You might ask why I didn’t name him Vigoss since I am basically all about that guy, but I promised myself that I will name the first car that I (and not my Dad) will buy Vigoss. I thought about naming him MYM.RaZeR.Maelk after MYM’s team captain but Maelk and MYM in general doesn’t use Lina as much as EHOME so yeah.

Unfortunately because 820 is an Acer, Rafael remains to be the odd-charger-out among the four laptops we have at home, which means that I still don’t have anyone to borrow a spare charger from so if anything happens to Rafael’s charger again, I’ll have to buy another charger. And I’ve bought like four or five chargers since I got Rafael during my first year in college.

So far I like 820 mostly because I can play Purble Place with him. (Rafael doesn’t have Purble Place since I had him downgraded to XP when I got him.) I like Purble Place. If you think it’s a joke, try playing the advance level of Comfy Cakes. It’s driving me nuts.

Still, if you ask me who the best laptop in the world is, my answer would be Rafael. ^_^

Alam Na.

Sa buong buhay ko, ikaw lang ang ginusto - hindi, minahal - ko ng ganito.

Sabi nila pera mo lang daw ang habol ko. Siguro nga. Pero alam ko naman sa sarili ko na ang totoong dahilan kung bakit ginusto kita ay dahil binigyan mo ako ng direksyon sa buhay. Hindi ako natakot sa pwedeng mangyari sa hinaharap dahil alam ko na magkasama tayo at hindi mo ako pababayaan. Akala ko talaga tayo na hanggang sa huli, pero ayun nga, hindi pala.

Ngayon sinusubukan kong maghanap ng katulad mo, pero habang tumatagal lalo lang akong nakukumbinsi na wala na akong makikita pa na tatalo sayo. E ano naman ngayon kung hindi ikaw ang pinakamagaling. Ikaw pa rin ang pinakamagandang bagay na nangyari sa buhay ko, at habang-buhay kong pagsisisihan na pinakawalan kita.

Hindi ko na mababalik ang oras para itama ang mga mali ko. Pero kahit ano ang mangyari, sana alam mo na sayo parin ang puso ko, at wala na akong mamahalin pa katulad ng pagmamahal ko sayo.

To Fat Kid :P

Not Another Emo Post

Weirdest/Funniest/MostAmazing/MostFulfilling Thing Ever

So this morning I was at the train station waiting for a train (syempre alangan namang maghintay ako ng barko sa MRT) and this girl beside me was surfing the net with her phone and guess what, she was reading something that Jin (well in real life, I) wrote! It was the weirdest, funniest, most amazing, most fulfilling thing ever. ^_^ I like wanted to 'kalbit' (how do you say that in English? Poke sounds wrong.) her and say "Hey, it's me Jin, I wrote that!" but I restrained myself because that would be too weird, even for me.

Anyway I checked my mail today and there's a new comment and the flag in the sender's account is the Philippines so I'm assuming its her. I sent a reply saying I think I saw her at the MRT this morning. Let's see what she replies! ^_^

:')

Third day out of BPI.
Second day of counseling with mum's psychologist.
First day I didn't cry one single time in twelve hours.

Someday...someday...

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ^_^

Guess who the newest member of M5 is. ^_^

PeraPeraPera

Last Friday someone deposited three hundred grand cash at the low counter where I was observing. (In banks, high counter means the tellers, where people usually transact money while low counter means the customer service section, where people open accounts, have checks made and process foreign exchange. However, when there's a lot of people queued in the high counter, the low counter can serve as tellers too.)

Now three hundred thousand pesos sounds like a lot of money when you hear it (actually, three hundred thousand pesos IS a lot of money, I could buy a decent early 2000's Honda Civic or pay for the rest of my sister's college tuition fee with that). But I learned that in reality it's just three bundles of one thousand bills that you can hold even in just one hand. That moment three hundred thousand seemed so trivial. In fact the rest of the day I just played with the money, practicing how to count bills the way tellers do (fast and with that distinct swish-swish sound ^_^). It was as if they were just cards that I shuffled and reshuffled when I wanted to.

And so I realized that for all the fuss about money and never having enough of it, it's really just pieces of colored paper. Maybe I need to re-evaluate my priorities after all.

Really Weird Dream

Last night I had this really weird dream. It was so weird in so many different levels that I felt really foolish after I woke up. Lemme break it down for you.

1. My dream was in French. The whole thing was in motherfucking (...meretabernac?...) French. I spoke French, I thought in French and I understood French perfectly. The thing is, I don't know how to speak French at all. Granted I have a whole playlist of French rap songs thanks to GSP's awesome entrance themes, but I don't understand any of them anyway. I tried to listen to Le Homme de Abbatre again after I woke up, trying to see if I could understand any of the lyrics since I understood Francois flawlessly in my dream, but nope, nothing registered.

2. Speaking of GSP. GSP was in my house. Or at least, a house that I think is mine in my dream. It wasn't the house that I live in now, AKA my parents' house, but I really felt that safe and comfortable feeling that you never get to feel elsewhere except your home. Plus at one part of my dream I cleaned it up, and why would I clean a house up if it wasn't mine? It was a nice house anyway, and the nicest thing about it was that as I said, GSP was in it.

3. The next thing is... er, how do we say this... I was going to have GSP's kid. This was really a WTF thing even in my dream. Some French doctor was in my house and told me (again, in French) that I had a bun in the oven courtesy of GSP. I don't know how he knows that it's GSP's (I mean, my dream didn't show even a slight hint of me banging GSP, though that might be something I'd look forward to dreaming about) but GSP didn't seem to object to anything that Dr. Frenchy said. (In fact he took it all in stride; he was too busy working out) I don't know if I was married to GSP or if I was just a one-night stand gone wrong, but I hope we weren't married. That way I can chase after Dan Hardy. On second thought, even if GSP and I were married, I'd just cheat with Dan. :P

4. I was not happy to be with GSP or have his kid. Now this part really baffles me. How can I not be happy to be with GSP and have his kid (which subsequently means that at one point in time I fucked him)? I can't even count the times I've said that GSP has the most beautiful blue eyes in the world. I can seriously spend the rest of my life just staring at them. Maybe this just demonstrates how much I dislike kids. The fact that I'm its mom and GSP is its dad doesn't even make things any better for me.

5. I don't remember how my dream ended! Seriously. The last thing I remember from my dream is that I laid down on my bed to sleep, and my last thought was that I was not feeling good about being with GSP and having his kid, which as I said baffles me. (In real life If I saw GSP I might kidnap him and keep him in my basement forever XD) I don't know what happened next. What I do remember is waking up feeling like I'm about to freeze to death. I felt so cold that I stood up and turned the aircon off.

Hmmm, I wonder what Imma dream about tonight. ^_^

Hmmm.

This is my Dad. (And that is my hand. ^_^) He will turn fifty (I think) in July 31. Now that I have a job and some money, I'm wondering what I should buy him.

At first I thought about getting him more badminton stuff or maybe treating him to a nice grill (he loves baby back ribs), but this morning when I woke up he and Mum were arguing about his blood test results again. Apparently his sugar, cholesterol and triglycerides levels are off the charts but then again, what's new. If his test results returned normal, that would be new.

I'm pretty sure my mom would include me in the scolding if I get Daddy-yo another racket ("Nagbabadminton ka nga nababawi naman ang pinapawis mo kase kain kayo ng kain sa labas pagkatapos!") or treat him some nice juicy ribs ("Mataba yan, dapat sayo mag fish at gulay ka nalang!") so now I'm thinking maybe I should get him a box of Lipitor and Diamicron. ^_^ Pero parang super corny naman, magreregalo ako ng gamot.

Because saying I love you

has nothing to do with meaning it.

***

On an unrelated note, which turns out to be longer than the main post itself, there are 60 new messages in my email inbox today from various strangers around the world. I'm gonna make a longer, more detailed post about this soon, but I just hafta say it - I miss anonymous community writing.

And it scares me

because the last time someone offered me his hand, I didn't take it, but this morning when you reached out with an open palm, I did.

5 Things I Miss About College

1. Walang pasok pag Monday so I can go back to QC on Tuesday morning. My head has still not absorbed the fact that I have to sleep early during Sundays now.

2. OK lang ma-late sa class. Ngayong may log-in na, 8.30 is 8.30 and 8.31 is late so I really have to make an effort to be on time, unlike dati na pakapalan lang ng mukha.

3. German (and more) cuts. No more cutting classes pag tinatamad - in fact, no more cutting classes at all. E kase naman, saan ako pupunta if I cut my classes? Sa CR?

4. Regular casual clothes. The corporate shiz looks good, but nothing beats that laid-back feeling of wearing a shirt, shorts and a pair of flip flops. Plus, mas madaling maglakad pag di naka heels ano.

5. DOTA. (Till 2am, special mention of Archer singing "...Puck the magic dragon...")

I like money and earning it, but I swear, I won't hesitate to give up one month's salary for another month as a college student in UP Diliman, with Econ 141 and all the misery that comes with it. But oh, well, life goes on.

Holy Shit.

By some sick twist of fate, I'm keeping my current job and I did not have to kiss anyone's ass or whatever other part of the human anatomy to keep myself from getting laid off. ^_^ Whew!

First | Freeze | Fun

Today I got my first and last salary from BPI for the fifteen glorious days I spent trying to be what I apparently am not meant to be.

The figure looks HUGE because they threw in a couple of bonuses and allowances, but since those bonuses and allowances are for the months of June to December, I have to return 5/6 of them. By my calculations, which my Accounting Exam has proven yet again to be inaccurate 90% of the time, I’m gonna be left with only around 16K net. Still, not bad for three weeks.

This experience has made me realize one thing. It feels good to have your own money. You don’t even have to be able to spend it, just seeing the figures and knowing that you earned it and it’s all yours makes you feel good. I went back to the ATM like eight times today just to see my balance, that’s how great it feels.

I like having money. And I promise that when I have my next job, I’ll do my best to always have a lot of it. All the time. ^_^

***

It takes a lot to make me look away
And that’s what you do when you look back at me.
It takes a lot to make me fumble
And that’s what you do when you chat me up about NBA.
It takes a lot to make me mumble
And that’s what you do when you ask me about MMA.
It takes a lot to make me nervous
And that’s what you do when you sit beside me.
It takes a lot to make me keep quiet
And that’s what you do when you walk next to me.

You can’t make me freeze.

But that’s what you did when you put your arm around my shoulders.

***

So far, I’ve taken losing my first and probably most promising job ever, in stride. I laugh about it, joke about it, even look like I know things are going to be fine, but the truth is I am so disgusted with myself that a lot of times I feel like throwing up. Sometimes I even do.

And you know what I do to make myself feel better when my life sucks so bad? I take every inch of consolation that I can from this.

GSP is not impressed

To the Birthday Boy

I didn’t have time to scribble down a note before I gave you your gift bilang kayo nina Lawi and Archer ang sumalubong sakin kalabas ko sa Blue Magic. :P So I decided to blog this nalang. ^_^

Happy Birthday. Thank you for being a good friend to me even when I have not always been a good one to you. I have many quirks that make me difficult to deal with, not to mention the fact that I have this habit of pushing people away, but you are one of those friends who never left even when I tried to shove them out. Even after all the not-so-good things I said and did to you, you were still the one who always invited me to dinners and dota games and EBS’s and everything else. I will always be here for you the same way you have always been there for me.

I gave you a pillow for symbolic reasons that no longer need discussing. O yan ha, quits na tayo. But all kidding aside, I know that despite everything that happened, we’re in a better place right now, and things can only get better from here.

P.S. The pillow’s name is Chokey. I named him after Lebron. ^_^

Bye Bye

I did not expect it to be over so soon, but my stint as a management trainee at BPI has come to an end. Thank you to the wonderful people who have made the last month so special. This job may not be for me but I will always have you guys in mind and at heart. :(

According to KD35

"He approaches his game as all about business, all about trying to win, all about playing well. That’s what I try to do. I just want to play well for my team and for myself and just try to get better. That’s what type of player Dirk is. He’s never the type of guy that’s flashy with it. He just goes out there and plays, gets it done. That’s the type of player I try to be.”


And that's why even though he will likely never get to hold a championship trophy, he's still my favorite player. ^_^

Medical Exam Fails and More

Today I had my medical exam. It was one of the worst days of my life.

1. The lab needed to draw my blood for testing. I hate being injected with needles, and worse, I have ridiculously deep seated veins. The nurses couldn’t find my veins in either arms and had to call on a doctor to do it. Now the area where blood was drawn out is bruising and hurts like hell.

2. The lab also needed a ‘fresh’ stool sample but my digestive system wouldn’t hear of it. I sat down on the toilet for nearly five hours but got zilch. Can you imagine how horrible an unfruitful five-hour wait for poop is? Now I have to go back to the lab tomorrow TO POO. Hooray for me.

3. The lab also needed a ‘secure’ urine sample for drug testing. When I got into the room where I was supposed to pee, the waterless urinal had creamy/foamy whitish icky stuff all over it! You have got to be kidding me. I had maintenance clean it up before I used it but it still felt yucky.

4. On the X-ray waiting area, I had a really annoying seat mate. He wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing he said he was because – get this – he got hired at a call center the same day he applied. He didn’t shut up until he got called for his X-ray. Oh, the agony.

***

Well, since we’re talking about fails, a lot of my ‘friends’ are surely happy that the Mavs lost today. The first quarter was good but after that everything just went downhill. As I said in my last entry, this is what happens when the Mavs’ offense don’t work – they have such pathetic defense that they’re easily overwhelmed. And seriously, someone needs to teach Tyson Chandler how to alley-oop and Peja Stojakovic how to fucking guard somebody. Watching them made me so miserable.

Not to take anything away from KD3 and his team, of course, because they did play a lot better at Game 2. In you face to all those writers who after game 1 said Dirk was unguardable. Well, now we know he totally is. You just need two big guys to double-team him so he passes the ball to the perimeter shooters who didn’t happen to exist today. JJ and Jet, where the hell are you?

Honestly, I’m not gonna be surprised if the Mavs lose this series. Wins on the road are crucial because teams generally win at home during play-offs. Oh well. They’ve had a good run, but all good things are bound to end.

***

My sister is a lot like my friends. Meaning, she always pokes fun at Dirk simply because he’s my favourite player. This morning we watched Game 2 together, and at one part a commentator remarked that the Mavericks “is basically playing for Dirk Nowitzki. They’re just helping him get the championship he’s worked so hard for.”

I was at the verge of tears. In all fairness, this Mavs team has really been supportive of Dirk, who has spent 13 years in the NBA and has yet to claim a championship title. As Sekou Smith said, Dirk could have followed KG and King James’ footsteps and left Dallas to join a ‘championship’ team, but he stayed when he had every reason to leave. :’( I just love that guy to death.

My sister, however, did not share my sentiments. She just shook her head while saying “Hmf, playing for Dirk. Mga bading!”

Ipahintulot mong ako'y mapahandusay

…sa sumasaibayong kaginhawaan.

***

Until two weeks ago, I had never imagined myself becoming a banker. I dunno, finance isn’t really among my interests given how badly I suck at numerical stuff. But a banking job is supposed to be one of the most reliable careers out there and my parents cannot be less vocal about how they want me to pursue it. So here I am, eighteen hours away from signing the job offer to become a member of BPI’s Officership Training Program for 2011.

OTP is basically a management trainee program – you undergo eight months of training, after which you become at least a bank officer if not an assistant manager. Each year more than a hundred applicants go through four interviews and two exams to qualify for the program, but only a handful make the cut. BPI’s OTP is supposed to be one of the best management trainee programs in the banking industry, and the salary is competitive as well; while it’s nowhere near HSBC’s 35K, it’s higher than the 21K salary from my first job offer made by another local bank.

All in all, OTP is a great opportunity. It’s just that deep inside, I’m not sure if this is the life I want for myself. My mouth wrote so many checks during my interviews, and even though I have no doubt that my head and my hands can cash them, I don’t know if this is where my heart truly is. I have never liked numbers. I can deal with them by being industrious, but I don’t enjoy them at all. Haha, to put it simply, I am not Gboi. ^_^

I ask myself where my heart really is, and whenever I answer ‘writing’ or ‘NBA’, ‘MMA’, ‘DotA’ or ‘big cat conservation’, I have to swallow. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t born an Ayala or a Sy. I can’t be a professional blogger, sports fan or wildlife conservationist. I have to think of my own financial stability first. When I have enough of my own money to not care about money, maybe that’s when I can start chasing my real dreams.

For now, I have to keep in mind the words that have kept me going for the last three years. I can’t always do what makes me happy, but I should always do what is rational. I didn’t like Econ but I managed to graduate with honors, and that’s what I am going to do with my banking career.

***

On a lighter note, the Mavs won Game 1 against OKC this morning. Dirk was even more terrific than usual, setting a new record for most consecutive free throws during a playoff game (23, formerly 21 by Paul Pierce). JJ Barea showed how hard he can drive to the basket (that little guy is fearless!) and Jason Terry crowned himself king of downtown.

However, it was alarming to see how bad the Mavs’ defense was, and how the team actually doesn’t have a player to legitimately match with Russell Westbrook. The Mavs only did great this game because their offense was working, but if they hit a rough offensive patch, Westbrook can destroy them single-handedly like Wade did. Er, I actually have a bad feeling about this.

MaxLawiIanGboiMarkJeff

So we went to Cavite yesterday and I forgot about my phone all morning because as everyone in my family knows, Auntie Lik doesn't hold anything back with her cuisine when we're there. :) However, when I finally remembered Georges (Yes, my current phone is named after gorgeous Georges St-Pierre, though a lot of times I wish I named him Cas after Supernatural's Castiel), there were eleven unread messages, and half of them were about the same topic.

Max: One game closer to one thousand pesos. ;)

Lawi: ZOMG

Ian: 0-3! woot woot!

Gboi: Nic, 0-3 na Mavs. x2ha panalo na cla nyan.

Mark: Dana. 0-3 na!

Jeff: I don't freakin believe it.

***

So it's 0-3 now, and though I'm as astounded as everyone else that Dallas looks like they're actually gonna be able to pull this off, I'm still not counting the Lakers out.

First, no NBA team has ever gotten out of a 0-3 rut, true, but if there's a team that would be the first one to do so, the Lakers are on top of my list. Whatever happens, they have Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant, and those two are capable of doing the most impossible things on earth because they're that GREAT. In defense of LA's last loss, they didn't have two of their big men - Ron Artest, who was suspended for whacking poor little JJ Barrea in Game 2, and Pau Gasol, who seems to currently be having an out of the body (or out of the mind) experience.

Second, Dallas does have that annoying habit of blowing off big-lead games. No one needs further examples.

Still, I won't be complaining if the Mas end up winning. :)

I Love This Game. :)

Sekou Smith is quickly becoming one of my favourite NBA writers. This week he dished ‘The Other Main Event’, where he basically explains why although Celtics vs Heat has the limelight now, we mustn’t forget the West Conference, where what Smith describes as an equally interesting match-up is taking place: Dirk Nowitzki vs. Pau Gasol for Best Tender European Seven Footer. If I were the average NBA fan I won’t really care, but because I’m a die-hard Dirk Nowitzki fan, I care like it means the world. ^_^

Smith posted the following poll:

The results of which I had to have a hand in, of course!

And I swear I did not vote more than 2,000 times. :)

***

However, it was the comments that drove me crazy. I swear, these guys are even crazier than the guys at VFDC and Sherdog, but they do make sense:

Gary says: Pau will own Dirk because his length forces Dirk to drive then Bynum will block or alter the shot.

rene mirambil says: bakit pag aari ba ni pau si dirk?

HeatRing2012 says: @gary: yeah – just like LeMarcus Aldridge with his length “owned” Dirk – right? For your info: LMA is a much better Dirk defender than Gasol is.

Benjamin Ladha says: Exactly Gary, Dirk and that jump shot cannot be stopped. He will shoot and score over a bigger or smaller guy. Plus no one will force Dirk to drive except Dirk. He settles for that jumper almost everytime- because he chooses to and because it cannot be stopped. He is like Kobe in that respect- that fallaway is unstoppable. I have to ask have you ever watched him play? Either a Laker fan or a Mav/Dirk hater

L337 says: Dirk is a Lone Star. Pau has Kobe. And in case you didnt know. Dirk is 1 out of 4 players in NBA history to average 25 ppg 10rpg in the course of his career but never he has been credited. I don’t know why, Cause he’s that good. I give this one to Dirk.

LAKERFAN_88 says: PLAYER ADVANTAGE: DIRK. TEAM ADVANTAGE: LAKERS!!!

kulangot says: Dirk Nowitzki is a basketball genius he will find ways to score…Im sure Lakers will have tough defense on him but dont forget he has average 10+ free throw attempts vs Portland every game.The problem now of Dallas is how to match Bynum.

Kenny says: They look like brothers! HAHA

kier says: well, different player with different team….offensively Dirk is better than Pau.. defensively Pau is way better than dirk… but Pau has better teamates than dirk…….and…………… thats the story of the game…^ ^

***

As I said, even if I love the Mavs to death, I just can’t realistically see them getting past the Lakers. I actually bet one grand for the Lakers in 6, although that move is kind of a psych on myself. If the Lakers win, I win because I bet on them. If the Mavs win, I still win because they’re my favourite team! ^_^

As Gboi said, it’s 2-0 now and WOW doesn’t even cover it. However, I’m not counting the Lakers out even a bit, given that they have Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant, plus the Mavs to have a history of blowing off a 2-0 lead and dropping 4 straight.

***

I love this pic.


Dirk Nowitzki, no defense as usual (I mean, dude can’t even defend the ball). Ron Artest, I-Will-Die-To-Snatch-This-Ball-Away-From-Dirk-Nowitzki Mode. And most epic of all, Pau Gasol, self-demoted to observer status. :)

Wow. Just wow.

- I totally agree. However, Ron Artest isn't really a consistent player - I mean, like AK47 and Mehmet Okur, sometimes he does so great and sometimes he's just pathetic - unlike Bryant or Nash or James or Wade, each of who always has a hand in their team's victory. Crossing my fingers that Artest hits a 'pathetic' patch. ;p

"The Lakers have the edge in every category and they own home-court advantage."

Chickadees! ^_^

Two chicks (as in baby chickens) mysteriously found their way into our backyard today. It's really weird  because although we do have chickens roaming around at home, the chickens are all male. So where those two chicks came from is really a mystery.

I'm actually used to having 'farm animals' at home because we've always had them since I was a kid. See, my father's family has a farm and he feels a sort of attachment to farm animals. We actually had turkeys, ducks, goats and sheep once (but not all at the same time), but chickens are as staple as dogs to us, and they roam around as freely as our dogs (much to my father's delight and my mother's annoyance because they destroy her garden plants).

It actually isn't the first time that we're going to raise week-old chicks. When my sister was five, she saw a vendor peddling those colored-chicks (like Buddy Feps' Consuelo) and convinced my mom to buy her three chicks, which she named Alexander, Whitey and Jude respectively. We took care of the chicks - we housed them in our old bird cage (which used to contain four lovebirds I set free in the name of humanitarianism), gave them ground corn to eat and set them free once a day so they can roam around and exercise. At night we'd get the portable fluorescent bulb from my dad's shop and put it in their cage so they wouldn't get cold.

Alexander, Whitey and Jude all turned out to be male White Leghorns, and even though they looked all the same to me, my sister knew who was who. When they were too big for the cage we set them free in the backyard. They were already very tame then, so they really didn't give us a problem. The loved my sister a lot and they would come around and follow her every time she went out. Mind you, they all died of old age because we loved them too much to even consider eating them.

There was also that time when a friend of my dad's gave him a dozen 45 Days chicks as a gift for his coming birthday, saying he could cook them later. We raised those chicks the same way we raised Alexander, Whitey and Jude, but we didn't name them because when you have identical white chickens, names are pointless. When the week of my dad's birthday came my mom asked if he wanted the chickens slaughtered for meat, but my dad looked at her like she was crazy. He said that his day wasn't complete without seeing those twelve chickens roaming around. Those twelve nameless chickens also died natural deaths.

We haven't named the chicks yet because they're so young that we can't even tell if they're male or female, but I have a hunch that both are male. One has darker tufts than the other, (though based on experience, the color of the tufts doesn't necessarily indicate the color of the feathers later) but because we found the chicks together I'm assuming that they're brothers. So I'm thinking about naming them Sam and Dean from Supernatural, or Alan and Charlie from Two and a Half Men, or Carl and Thomas from Zoids, or Terrorblade and Magina from Dota, or Pau and Marc (Gasol! ^_^) from NBA, or even Vegeta and Tarble from Dragon Ball.

See, I like brothers. And chickens. ^_^

How Many Times Must My Heart Break For You

In the end, I can only ask myself how many times my heart must break for this team.

Seriously, what kind of team leads the finals series 2-0 and ends up losing, or starts the playoffs as top seeds and proceeds to be eliminated by the last seeded team, or adds Jason Kidd and Shawn Marion to a roster that already has Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, and JJ Barrea and comes up with nothing at all?

Or how about now. I was expecting the Mavs to get eliminated in the next round by the Lakers (I’m being realistic here), but I guess they won’t even get to see Phil Jackson’s kids because the Blazers look like they’re the ones who are gonna advance to the second round.

And seriously, I ask myself what kind of sane person would support a team that is this disappointing.

The loyal kind of fan. That’s what. And that’s what I am. That’s what I have been for the last nine years. And that’s what I will continue to be as long as this team has Dirk Nowitzki in its roster and has Mark Cuban as its owner.

Tomorrow, there’s gonna be a 3 in the scoreboard. It might be 3-2 or 2-3. In the future I might see a 3-3, and later a 2-4 or a 4-3 or a 3-4 or a 4-2. But whatever the numbers turn out to be, I know that only two digits will matter in the end.

41.

Go, Mavericks!

I don't know which is scarier.

1. The fact that today is the deadline of grade submission for graduating students, it's almost 8pm and I still don't have a grade in Econ 141. Not that I'm still hoping that I'll actually pass the subject and graduate.

2. The fact that yesterday when I went to the mall with my cousin, I actually considered buying a five hundred peso men's magazine just because Georges Fucking St-Pierre was on the cover.

3. The fact that I dreamt about Axe the Mogul Khan and I woke up all sweaty. At this point, should anybody really be asking why?

You decide.

Libera ex Infernis

It’s the emotional equivalent of looking at myself through layers of mirrors. I turn, try to find myself in the varying reflections, some tall and short and broken and twisted - but I catch nothing other than splayed flecks of motion. It’s hard to see anything when everything is moving so fast all at the same time. In chaos, an archangel said, thrives order.

Something breaks. Shards of glass take off to every direction, and one particularly sharp piece slices through the quasi-Romantic pretension that is the person you know as me. Do I wince, wail, cry? But I’m supposed to be good at pretension. No. I procrastinate. I wait for a few minutes, hours, days, and I justify the wasted time by writing – er, constructing a textual landscape.

The smile on my professor’s face when returns the essay is broad enough to rival that of Azgalor’s. “Brilliant!” He exclaims in a crazed, demented manner that is reminiscent of Tolkien’s Saruman. On my paper he wrote, ‘Exceptional review of Ilustrado!’. I, of course, have never even laid my eyes on that book, much less read it.

What was it that Crispin Salvador said? “Ezra Pound be damned. Poets lie, though beautifully. Don't make things new, make them whole.” But that is why things get broken, Jin argues inside my head. That way you can make them whole again. But Jin, I protest. You’re just a pen name I use to ship a particular silver-tongued Jashinist. You’re not real.

And then I have to wonder what else is not and has never been real. And then the inner turmoil begins again.

This is why I am broken. You made me believe that we took the journey of an arrow - shot far and true, never to return to the hostility we used to hoard for each other, but you deceived me and made the journey of a boomerang instead, edging away and then suddenly returning to the very same place you told me you have left. And for the first time, I am at loss as to where I home really is, and if I belong there at all. If I want to belong there at all.

I am scared. Of the future, yes, but more of the past and how it haunts the present. If it is of any consolation, I do feel sad right now. Maybe it confirms that I’m still tethered to home, even if only by its shadows and whatever experimental canvas of junctures you cared to paint for me.

“Be mature about it.” “Take it with maturity.” “Deal with it in a mature way.” Those are things Rex Dizon has told me too many times.

Maybe maturity is merely accepting the tally of all the finite and disappearing options of life. After all, love isn’t based on gratitude, and respect isn’t based on debt.

Kung sino man kayo.

I just need to say this, because you have no idea how pissed off I really am right now.

***

Seriously ha. I'm not the nicest person around and I'm even openly bitchy so I get it if I don't hit some people the right way, and that's fine with me. Pero yung sabihin na I just act nice para masabi ng ibang tao na mabait ako, dude, that's just soooo low.

Bakit, pag may nakita ba kayong ibang tao na gumagawa ng 'nice' things, like helping people out, sinasabi niyo bang "Ay nagprepretend lang yan para masabi ng ibang tao na mabait siya"? O ako lang ang pinag-iisipan niyo ng ganyan because you know that you already don't like me anyway?

And in the first place, sino ba sa tingin ninyo yang mga 'tao' na gusto kong magsabi na mabait ako? You and your friends? You think I'd waste my time pretending to be nice para tawagin niyo akong mabait? Duh, I'm sorry to have to break it to you but the world does not revolve around you and what you think.

At ang kapal din ng mukha ninyo na sabihing ako ang nagpepretend na mabait. Ako, when I don't like someone or something that someone did, I say it and as much as possible I try to confront the people involved para mabigyan ko naman sila ng chance to explain. E kayo? Malalaman ko lang na you're talking behind my back from another person who doesn't have issues with me but whose perception of me is affected by the things you say.

Wala kayong sinasabing issue sa akin, and I didn't even think that I had an issue with anyone so ibig sabihin you've been pretending to be my friends all along, and then you talk behind my back. Sino sa atin ang nagpepretend na mabait? How dare you say it's me.

And mind you ha, this is not the first time someone apologized to me dahil nagpadala daw siya sa sinasabi ng ibang tao na masamang ugali ko kahit wala naman siyang nakikitang ganon sakin. I shrugged it off the first time kase inisip ko baka whoever said it did not mean to talk shit about me, baka observation or heat of the moment rant lang.

Pero surprise, surprise! Hanggang ngayon pala you talk shit about me, and I know that you really mean it.

Grabe lang. If you think what you are doing is right and you can stand by your actions, why do you need to hide it from me? It just means two things. You can't stand by your actions or you're just really a low life. Hmmm, siguro both.

I don't waste time pretending to be what I'm not to please other people kase sa totoo lang, I would rather please myself and that's what I do. If I'm nice to somebody, it's true. If I'm bitchy to somebody, it's also true. Hindi kase ako katulad niyo na plastic.

So kung sino man kayo, fuck you. I would say forget you nalang, kaya lang baka sabihin nyo na naman I'm pretending to be nice.

This is my 100th post

and I would like it to be about thanking:

1. Rex Dizon, for convincing me to put up a blog

2. Everyone who has read, is reading, or will read my posts

3. Myself, for actually putting up with this.


Now please excuse me, I have to:

1. Mourn the loss of my beloved Dan Hardy

2. Watch Season 3 of Leverage

3. Oh, yeah, write a Polsc 177 (or is it 178?) reaction paper.

Tata everyone. ^_^

For the BMW in Red

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

***

Each sunrise that blooms, blossoms and bleeds out is a series of colors that change only with the order one joins the game. It’s sky blue if you join first, purple if second, yellow if third and finally orange if fourth. As far as she could remember, he has never created a game and thus claimed the color dark blue. Whether it’s because she always volunteers to create a game first or their chinky-eyed friend is too frustrated to wait for a game to be created whenever they lose so he creates it himself, she will never know.

Instead of each setting sun ghosting through the blue-orange skies with the promise of another laughter filled day the next time Apollo rises, it’s now a series of blog post representing a number with which he measures his days. She has noticed the change in the posts. When that number was relatively large, the posts (at least in the non-emo blog) were either relatively happy and in I-will-shrug-everything-off mode or romantic dabbles about who knows who, but now as the number fades away, the posts are more personal, more emotional.

She wonders if a day passes when he forgets to count.

***

It’s not the first time he skived off his classes (or what’s left of them) for the noise-splashed freedom of the tambayan. It’s become usual for her to arrive and find him there, drawing or scribbling or eating or drawing.

“Naayos mo na ba yung papers mo nyan?” she asks.
He shakes his head, replies that he doesn’t even want to think about it.
“Ignoring it won’t make it go away.” She replies as-a-matter-of-factly, rather insensitively.

Perhaps too insensitively. She has told him that his posts are poignant, but she has never told him that she feels sorry about his situation, not even shown a bit of sadness for him directly. Maybe a part of her, the one who doesn’t forgive easily, still sees him as the guy who snubbed her for so long due reasons unknown or don’t want to be known.

Unlike her though, he has always been forgiving. Now he acts like nothing happened. He talks to her freely without the slightest hint of caution, gives hear a heads up every time there’s dinner or an EBS, comforts her about her failing situation. The way she sees it, when he leaves, he wants her to be a good memory.

Sometimes she feels like she doesn’t deserve it.

***

‘Sorry’ is a word that sounds distastefully foreign on her tongue. She tries to mouth it every now and then but she can’t get used to the disjointed syllables jostling through her teeth. The word ‘sorry’ to her equates to images of mistakes and guilt, and Martin.

Peter is the name she gave that stuffed bear she received two Christmases ago. Everyone else calls it Ondoy because she left it near a window the weekend of Ondoy and it turned from a polar bear into a black bear. Peter slash Ondoy sits quietly with Bloobee, Carlos, Kirk, Tigger, Rufus, Christopher, Adrienne, Misha and the dozen other stuffed animals in a corner of her room.

Her mom asked last Christmas if she wanted to give Peter slash Ondoy away to charity. She shrugged mindfully and said no. And then for some reason she wondered whatever happened to Pokey, that pillow who came with Peter slash Ondoy.

As far as she can remember, she hasn’t said sorry for what she did to Pokey. Maybe one day, when ‘sorry’ doesn’t seem so exasperating, she finally will.

***

He says that they are close again. She’s not sure if she can agree. Then again, closeness has always been arbitrary.

These days she’s all about that pretty boy angel with the smexiest lips on heaven and on earth who is totally clueless about the dynamics of porn, or that German basketball player with the perfect set of teeth who is always so close but never really quite gets to the championship, or that French UFC welterweight champion with the most beautiful blue eyes who made it crystal clear that he is not impressed with your performance. If she’s not talking about them, she’s blogging about them. You’d think she doesn’t care enough to remember anything unrelated to the aforementioned men.

But she does. She remembers that PC game about cars, that freaky movie about genital anomalies, that day when Kamaru made a total idiot of himself.

And she just hopes that he didn’t miss that look in her eyes when out of the blue she bought him a plate of tacos last time.

With extra tomatoes.

***

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry…don't you cry no more

-Carry On My Wayward Son, Kansas
Supernatural Opening Theme

Just because I listened to this song over and over and over while writing this.

Officially Missing You

And have sleepovers all the time.


Now we rarely get together to be complete.


I miss my friends. :(

Ganitong Oras Bukas

Ganitong oras bukas, katatapos lang ng make or break exam ko sa Econ 141.

Hindi na ako papalag. I leave it all to the highest authority in the universe right now, Fidelina Carlos.

I don't know what I did wrong (well, I do, but that's beside the point), but I have cried a liter of tears (literally) and wasted almost P600 on prepaid credits calling my parents and bawling about my situation, and that has been enough. Sabi nga ni Dad, tanggapin kung ano ang mangyayari.

At dahil doon, ganitong oras bukas, wala na akong pakialam. I will shop like crazy, take on Joyzieh's 1v1 DotA challenge, post on every thread at Sherdog, stage a writing comeback for Jin, download every Castiel wallpaper in the net nad eat anything and everything that I want to.

Tomorrow I will be happy, and nobody will be able to take that away from me.

FUCK YOU, ECON 141.

These make me so happy :)

This is what happens when you make an angel watch porn.

This is what happens when you tell him a figure of speech that they apparently don't use in heaven.



This is what happens when you make him pretend to be FBI.



This is what happens when you try to be sarcastic to him.



This is what happens when you tell him that lying is part of human nature.



This is what happens when you tell him not to make your brother feel left out.



And my personal favorite, this is what happens when you tell him that Heaven Express doesn't work well with humans.

ZOMG. Three posts in five days, all about the same subject. Not even Solis has made me do anything like this.

I am crazy about Castiel, with or without Dean!

Gah, who am I kidding. Every scene where Cas' cluelessness and Dean's impatience clash is priceless.

And indeed, cluelessness has never been SMEXIER! ^_^